February is by far the longest month of the year for me. I’m well aware of the counterargument by now, thank you very much, so please save the “but it’s only 28 days!!!” enthusiasm for someone else. The fact of the matter is by February it’s been dark for too long, it’s been cold for too long, and the days have been too short for too long. In times like these I need Jack Bauer.
Fortunately, Jack showed up this week in a big way. You can usually tell if it’s going to be a good 24 episode by two things: 1) amount of times Jack spends yelling; and 2) amount of times Jack says something to the extent of “we don’t have much time.” This week ranked high in each.
(Note: my friend Charles and I once played a drinking game wherein we tried to watch all of 24 season one in a single day, sculling an entire beer for each “we don’t have a lot of time.” As you would assume, we had to scale back on the ratio by episode two)
(Okay, one more thing: The little known fact here is that the first ever “we don’t have a lot of time" was uttered by none other than Nina Myers, then an agent of CTU, in season one. True story).
As for Jack’s yelling…He’s been doing a lot of it and generally seems a lot angrier this season. That usually translates into good TV (or at least “bad TV that’s enjoyable” anyway). His ability to project an intimidating cadence is unmatched. Man do I love when he does that. This episode featured some classic Jack moments, which we’ll touch on in due time.
First, though, we have to talk about exactly how small a city Washington DC must be for everything to unfold as it does. Consider the ending from last episode, when Agent Benedict Vossler was stuffing First Gentleman Taylor into the trunk of his car circa 2:55 PM. The 3:00 hour begins and already Vossler has arrived at Dubaku headquarters, somewhere beneath a corner market on Arlington Avenue. Dubaku, who minutes earlier had made a stop at his apartment, meets up with Vossler and the rest of the remaining Sangalan rebels. He removes the gag from the first gentleman’s mouth, allowing the inevitable bickering between hostage and captor. This culminates in Dubaku making the “let’s make a deal” phone call to President Taylor.
Our president, however, is in the midst of wrapping her head around the idea of there being traitors in her administration. That’s what Jack, Bill and Agent Walker tell her anyway. But how can that be? This is the United States government, and blah blah blah. Yawn. How can she ask this? Hasn’t she seen the first six seasons? If I were president in the 24 universe, I’d spend every day looking around the room thinking “It’s him…No, it’s him. No it’s…” Of course, if I were in charge, I’d also mandate that no female comedian be weirdly miscast as an FBI analysts. But I digress.
Dubaku throws down the demand: have the troops retreat and bring Motobo to him by 4:00 or First Gentleman Taylor gets it. President Taylor consults with the Shawshank Redemption guy and concludes that if she’s asking the American public to make sacrifices, she needs to be able to make the same ones herself. Translation: if Henry needs to die for the cause, so be it. Wow. Gotta give this woman credit. Can’t say I’d see many others reach that same conclusion.
Of course, there’s also a secondary plan: maybe they can find him on their own. Agent Walker recruits her pencil-tapping supervisor, Larry Moss to help. “OMG! You’re alive!” he says (possibly not those exact words) before requesting an in-person visit to prove Walker isn’t under duress. The sexual tension is palpable as the two reunite but Jack doesn’t have a lot of time for it. Moss reveals info showing that an Agent named Vossler seems to be working with Dubaku. Jack wants to know if Vossler has a family. Moss doesn’t know why that’s relevant, Jack says it’s relevant, it’s the quickest way to find the first gentleman, we’ll never otherwise break Vossler. We don't have much time.
Jack and Moss then engage in the classic utilitarian – deontological struggle: do the ends justify the means? Or does that make you just like the other guys? Meanwhile philosophy majors everywhere are stunned to see these ethics systems worked into an article reviewing a Fox TV show.
Jack convinces Moss and Renee they’re weak and not willing to do what it takes. In a stern voice only Jack can use, he moves his chips onto the table: They can either phone President Taylor and tell her they won’t do what it takes to save her family or they can do what’s necessary. Well, when you put it that way…
In a last ditch effort to appeal to Jack’s soul, Moss reminds him that "it's the rules that make us better," to which Jack responds "not today." Best line of the year, easy.
President Taylor and Shawshank concoct a plan wherein they pretend to trade Motobo to Dubaku. Ever clever, they actually decide to send in a stunt double. As my friend Chris adeptly notes, the stunt double looks a lot more like Tim Meadows than he does Motobo but somehow they think this will work. Hey, as long as he’s black and has a goatee they should go for it, right?
Jack tracks down Vossler as Agent Walker holds his family hostage (To be clear, when I say “track down,” I mean “rams him with an SUV, drags him out of the car and tosses him against a wall”). Walker pretends she’s willing to kill the fam, which Vossler can hear over speaker phone. Eventually he cracks, provides the address where Taylor can be found and Jack attempts to let him go on his way. Oh, but Vossler has better plans, kicking Jack’s gun away and going at him with a knife. He actually gets some decent blows in before Jack flips him over and jams the knife into his stomach. Best kill of the year thus far.
Jack tells Renee where Taylor is being held and they head over there. She’s morally crushed when she learns Vossler is dead, and isn’t sure if she can go on. She says she’ll get out “tomorrow.” Silly girl – “tomorrow” is another season. Ah, 24 humor.
Jack and Renee show up at 12451 Arlington Avenue, the corner market where First Gentleman Taylor is being held hostage in the basement. They overpower the cashier (who looks like he'd rather be in the new Fast and Furious movie anyway) and knock him out once he unlocks the door to the basement. Peering through a convenient gap in the brick wall to downstairs, Jack sees four gunmen and motions for Renee to start climbing down the stairs.
At this moment Dubaku – for some reason on the streets of DC and trying to deal with his girlfriend situation, a plot so stupid I wouldn’t be surprised if future weeks also involve Kim Bauer and her pet cougar – calls his henchmen and tells them to kill First Gentleman Taylor. The Motobo tradeoff has gone awry, the US had played them, so just take him out. Just in time, Jack and Renee make their move. Bullets are everywhere, bullets are everywhere but they’re only hitting Sangalese henchmen.
There’s one enemy bogey left and he runs towards Taylor. Just in time, Jack slides across the floor and hits him with a kill shot. Alas, the henchman’s final action is a gunshot through Taylor’s chest. Jack runs to try to revive him, realizes the situation is serious and yells to Renee to get him an ambulance. Tick-tock, tick-tock and the clock strikes 4 PM.
*Whew*
Except…
What now? The threat has been neutralized. No one is being held hostage. Dubaku seems to be on his own. There are some minor ethical issues to deal with, sure, but where do we go from here? Jack returns to trial? Tony doubles back and goes bad again just to spice things up? Sherry Palmer returns from the dead and is revealed as Dubaku’s girlfriend’s mother? Whatever it is, make sure it’s filled with “we don’t have a lot of time” comments and I’ll be happy.
(well, as long as that Sherry Palmer thing doesn’t actually happen. And I'm not sure we need Kim Bauer back either)
