It was a sad day when I moved across the country and could no longer watch 24 with my buddies Chaz, Eth and Conor. Nowadays they’re three hours ahead, which means we can no longer have discussions like “what are the chances of anything needing to be delivered ‘face to face’ actually being delivered?” or “if I showed up at CTU with a cover letter and resume, could I get ‘provisional status’?” On the plus side, after an especially good episode I’ll usually receive a text from one of them saying, something like, “Holy shiv.”
(Oddly, they never spell “shiv” correctly)
A third of the way through this 24 season, I’ve yet to receive a “holy shiv” text. We’ve had plenty of set up, of course, allowing for much optimism for the next four months. The preview for this week’s episode had me especially intrigued. The traitor – revealed! screamed the enthusiastic narrator. In fact, I was so intrigued I decided to make a short list of potential traitors. I promise I am writing this part before the episode begins:
The warden from Shawshank: Seems too obvious. Besides the fact that he’d be completely typecast, it would be boring to see another Secretary of State traitor.
The short dude with buzzed gray hair who sounds like he should be selling gyros off the G line in Queens: This is my choice. He’s been on the show enough to be noticed, but not enough to be obvious.
Agent Moss: Makes some sense because he’s the one person they’ve let in on the plan. On the other hand, it’s hard to buy a traitor with frost-tipped hair.
Agent Walsh (the guy from Entourage): Slimy guy who cheats on his wife and who we’ve seen stealing Moss’ clearance codes? I dunno. Seems too obvious.
Janeane Garofolo: Awkward/dorky persona is a front for evil mastermind? Seems far-fetched, even by 24 standards.
The blonde with whom Agent Walsh is cheating on his wife: Sleeper pick. Only problem is they used that idea last season with President Daniels and a sultry blonde.
Kim Bauer: I know I make jokes about her every week but it’s only a matter of time before they write her back on the show to double-cross her dad. Granted she’d probably manage to get kidnapped in the middle of her own plan.
Whoever it is had better be interesting. We’re eight episodes in and already running low on plot.
The 4 o'clock hour begins with paramedics at the scene of Henry Taylor’s shooting. Jack calls the White House to provide the news, also communicating that Dubaku is likely on his way out of the country. There’s a big fight between President Taylor and Shawshank over whether or not she can go to the hospital, then a discussion over who drives her to the hospital, then who can be trusted, then…you get the idea.
In fact, this plot gets really boring so allow me to summarize right here: Henry Taylor doesn’t have the best chance to survive; President Taylor has an estranged daughter; I take five minutes to determine whether “estranged” is an accurate adjective given they don’t actually say how long it’s been since mother and daughter talked; Daughter Taylor is a complete bitch when Agent Pierce (why is it so important for him to be on the show every year?) picks her up in the midst of her consulting gig. She settles down when she hears tu papa is in the hospital.
*Whew.* Felt good to get that out of the way.
In other news, Dubaku goes to visit his waitress girlfriend who still thinks Dubaku’s name is Samuel. He wants to take her out of the country with him immediately. Of course he does. She agrees. Of course she does.
Moss calls Renee and begins another “the ends don’t justify the means” conversation. Can’t they just come to some resolution in FBI ethics classes so we don’t have to be subject to this debate every week? Anyway, Jack cross-references two of the henchmen PDAs and tracks to Dubaku’s girlfriend’s address.
Next scene shows Chloe, in the car with her son and husband Miles (he’s back!) on her way to the FBI office and the inevitable awkward-off with Garafolo. Moss takes her in the back room to do computer geek stuff for Jack and Renee. Chloe says she worked with him for seven years and Moss can’t help tossing in a little jab about Jack.
“That’s impressive…that you survived the experience,” he says. Talk about an understatement. Moss lists some of the people killed during the CTU era: Curtis Manning, Chapelle, Terri Bauer. Wait, if you’re going to laundry list, why not be at least be thorough? What about Milo? The original Agent Walsh from season one? Michelle Dessler? Samwise Gamje? Darlene from Roseanne? Lou Diamond Phillips? Chase Edmunds’ left hand?
Dubaku (who as, my friend Kyle adeptly points out, sounds like Darth Vader) meets with a random white diplomat (RWD) to pick up tickets out of the U.S. He threatens the diplomat in case something should happen to Dubaku or his GF on the return to Sangala. RWD calls the White House Mole (WHM) to confirm they need to safely transport Dubaku out of the country.
Meanwhile, Jack and Renee arrive at Dubaku’s girlfriend’s apartment and start yelling at her and her sister – do you work for Dubaku, where is he, that sort of thing. The sister's don’t know who Dubaku is – remember, they think his name is Samuel – until they’re showed a picture and Rose tells Jack and Renee about Dubaku’s impending flight to “Belize” with her sister. Jack and Renee then provide details on Dubaku a.k.a. “the butcher of Sangala.” Quick nitpick: shouldn’t there be some sort of alliteration in his nickname? Or at least a rhyme? Like “Master of Mayhem” or “Cyrus the Virus” or “Viken Vartanian”? Note: I know the last guy was merely the goalie on my high school soccer team but I always thought his name sounded evil.
Jack convinces Dubaku’s girlfriend to help them find this man, this evil man who has betrayed her and her country. We’ll be following you the whole time, he says and “we’ll never be more than a mile behind.” A mile? A mile? In DC rush hour? They may as well be fighting terrorism by teleconference. Rose has the same sentiment I do and pleads with her sister not to go. Ah, but her sister is on Jack’s side and agrees to help bring her one-time lover to justice. This reeks of the vindictive senatorial aid knifing the Czech spy to death in season one. Actually, this whole season reminds me of season one, right down to Jack’s extra-blonde hair.
Dubaku sends a car to pick up his girlfriend. Jack and Renee start tailing them with Chloe running computer programs to act as Jack’s eye in the sky. All is going well until Garafolo, paranoid that Chloe is on-campus to replace her, blackmails Walsh into providing access to Chloe’s computer. Garafolo hack hack hacks away until she sees what Chloe and Moss are up to. She looks at the schematics just long enough to send millions of 24 watchers into a “you’ve got to be kidding me if you think I’m buying her as the traitor” tizzy before revealing the traitor is, indeed, Agent Walsh. Yup, the very guy you thought it was since the first episode. Way to disguise that one, guys.
Walsh has apparently issued a warrant for Jack and Renee’s arrest, as their “stay one mile behind” plan is rudely interrupted by several DC Metro cops. Agent Moss yells over the phone to the DC Police Chief that he needs to release Jack and Renee, but it appears to be to no avail as the two of them are cuffed.
Meanwhile, RWD, tipped off to the situation by Walsh, calls Dubaku to tell him his girlfriend has been turned. They dust off the “that’s impossible - no it’s not” dialogue used in every 24 season to date, culminating in Dubaku’s promise to “take care of her” as the camera zooms in to his face.
So let’s recap:
President is at the hospital
President has a daughter
Jack and Renee are arrested
Agent Walsh is the traitor and apparently doesn’t even need to duck into a conference room to call the other bad guys
Dubaku wants to kill his girlfriend
Still no “holy shiv” episodes
Plenty of “holy set up” episodes
At least there are no Kim Bauer episodes
