The typical non-24 watcher can’t stop at saying “I don’t watch the show.” There’s always the need to include some sort of perceived credibility-killing question. Classic examples:
“When does Jack use the bathroom?”
“Why doesn’t his cell phone run out of batteries?”
“When does he sleep?” (note: he actually dozed off for a few seconds in season one. Yes, only a total loser would know this)
“Why does everything happen at the end of the hour?”
As if such logic is going to kill my appreciation of the show. Like, I could accept Jack saving the world several times over, taking on 13 henchman at once, getting shot, electrocuted, and being pronounced legally dead on the same day, but the fact that we never see him use the bathroom is going to convince me to cease watching? Come on. I mean…sure, you can play that game if you want, but it’s just a TV show. Give it a leash, ya know? Ay-yi-yi.
Anyway, our 2:00 PM hour begins with Ethan (the warden from The Shawshank Redemption) trying to check up on the President’s husband. To this point we’d all thought he was “the first man” but through the miracle of Fox TV we learn he’s actually called “the first gentleman.” Who knew?
With the first gentleman not answering his phone, plan B is to call his personal secret service agent. After a few rings we go through to “the voicemail of Agent Brian Gedge.” Is it weird to identify yourself as an agent? Aren’t you supposed to pretend you’re an investment banker or something? Regardless, Ethan turns to more important things, namely identifying the threat on a chemical plant in rural Kidron, Ohio. Why Kidron? Is one of the 24 writers from there? Does someone have a grudge against Amish towns? Won’t they kill more cows than people? Is this payback for that whole “Joe the Plumber” fiasco?
Enough with my distracting questions; this Kidron place needs to be saved and it needs to be saved now. As the FBI feebly tries to accomplish something remotely, Jack and company move in to rescue the Mogatus.
(Okay, one more question: has anyone else noticed that Jack, Renee, Chloe, Tony and Bill seem like the 21st century version of The A-Team (similarly, with no financial backing)? My friend Rob pointed this out to me last week. I’m just waiting for them to paint the van black and give it a red stripe)
Renee (who no one ever addresses by name for some reason) goes through the front door and lets Jack, Tony and Bill through the back entrance. With Chloe providing schematics, the foursome finds their way to the brink of the green-tinted room where the Mogatus are being held. This is all happening in a regular office building. Notice how villains have matured. In the old days they would have cornered themselves in a warehouse. The Mogatus come face to face with Dubaku and stage the Sangalese version of the classic “you know, you and I are not so different” conversation from James Bond movies.
Back on the homefront, the FBI has identified the threat and tries to warn the chemical plant. It’s too late, evacuation procedures begin and the plant manager takes matter into his own hands by unleashing the gas on himself in a presumably air-tight room. His only hope for survival? Jack Bauer.
Thankfully, hope in Jack is about the best human hope there is. He and the A-Team charge the green-tinted room and start one of those gunfights where you see only the flash of gunfire and the occasional man biting the dust. The Mogatus have been moved to a different room, where one feeble henchman threatens them. Just when the henchman might have gotten a credited role, he is shot dead by Renee/Agent Walker (again, still haven’t figured out how to address her). She transfers the Mogatus to the safety of the getaway van, now colored black to fit with the A-Team theme.
Jack, Tony and Bill seize the now-destroyed CIP device and search for Duboku. I always feel sorry for Jack and co. in this situation because they’re not aware the show is scheduled to continue for another 17 hours. They think they can end things right here and now. Instead of Duboku, they find Michael Latham, the technician who originally constructed the CIP device and was kept alive for just this type of moment. Latham is not long for this world, though, as Duboku blows him up as Jack and co. move in. Luckily, they see the trap as it’s occurring and somehow no one is hurt.
The good news: The CIP device is gone! The chemical plant in Ohio is safe! The cows can go on eating! The Amish can go on forgiving! The plant manager can go on living! Oh wait…turns out the plant manager can’t make it out of the danger room. He dies on the floor, in the chemical plant and for who? For what? Man, that is going to be an awkward conversation with his family.
By this point, the White House has learned of the CIP device’s sudden failure and no one can make any sense of it. Where there should be relief, President Taylor is instead perplexed. “I’m not one to take good news unless I know where it comes from,” she says and sends the short nameless cabinet member out to do investigative work. For the record, I think this short nameless cabinet member is the staff traitor. Just a hunch.
At this point Shawshank decides to tell her about her missing husband. Speaking of which, where is he? We’re 45 minutes into the episode and he’s still knocked out on the floor of Sam Ryan’s apartment. Shawshank issues an APB for Agent Gedge, which finally motivates the nameless traitor secret service guy to stop loitering in his car and start investigating why it’s taken 45 minutes to kill a defenseless girl and a poisoned old man. Really, he was waiting in his car this whole time?
Anyway, traitor secret service guy storms the room and backs Henry, now somehow back to full strength, against the wall. The first gentleman tries to persuade him to leave but instead traitor secret service guy chats it up with Duboku on the phone.
Yes, Duboku has escaped from the building in plain site and is now riding on the DC Metro. Either DC residents are extremely unobservant or the White House has never bothered with an APB on this guy, because he sits in the middle of the Metro car, chatting it up with the traitor secret service agent and telling him to bring the President’s husband to him. You know, just the conversation you’d expect to hear from the guy next to you on the subway.
Duboku arrives home shortly thereafter (he must live right on the Metro line) and, with time running out on the episode, receives a knock in his door. Any savvy 24 viewer knows what’s coming next: the door opens from behind his guest, we see Duboku’s face, there’s a sudden camera switch and we’re blown away by the reveal of who is at the door. Will it be Kim Bauer? Sherry Palmer, risen from the dead? Surely it’s going to leave us speechless, right? Alas, the surprise this time is that there is no surprise. Duboku is greeted by his waitress girlfriend apparently stopping by to ensure “Samuel” is still coming over for dinner. Wait, seriously? This is the end of our episode?
Remember all those people who complain about the good stuff always happening at the top of the hour? How can that happen every week? I hope you’re happy. Instead of leaving us with a jaw-dropping “I can’t believe I didn’t see it coming” ending, we’re left to ponder why an international terrorist -- he of near limitless power and singular destructive mindset – is bothering to find an American girlfriend. Good golly.
(and yes, I know this wasn’t technically the last scene, and that for reasons I still don’t understand, Jack convinced the A-Team to re-align with the government. I know this. You’ve got to admit, the Duboku reveal scene was rather disappointing. If your whole thing is to blackmail and destroy the US…I mean, why bother with the GF? What’s the long-term plan here? Keep dating her, destroy the country and one day have the awkward “There’s something you should know about me” conversation? Egads.)
