Fifteen minutes before game time I received a text from my East Coast friend Charles proclaiming “best episode in five years.” Depending on whether Chaz was referring to five years or five seasons (since 24 was on hiatus last year), this could mean tonight’s episode is the best since the legendary season two “Kim Bauer v. cougar” episode. Hoo-boy!
And it had better be; tonight I invited not just my friends Chris and Meg as co-viewers, but Meg’s buddy Eric, in town from Denver. Eric hasn’t seen the show since season one, yet decided he’d be along for the ride as long as we’d provide him with free wine. Ask and ye shall receive, my friend, provided what you ask for was in the Trader Joe’s “value buys” section.
Our eleventh hour begins with Colonel Dubaku, conveniently located in the minimum security wing of the hospital. He is quickly drugged and killed, leading into a world of “I don’t know what happened” rhetoric from the medical staff A little investigative work tells Renee that the actual killer was a rent-a-nurse named Uloo.
Renee tails Uloo to a pier, where he meets up with his fellow henchman. She manages to sneak down stairs wearing heels and answer her phone, all without being heard by anyone else. In the distance she sees General Juma talking to Colonel Dubaku’s son. She communicates this to Moss, eloquently pulling the “it’s me” when Renee answered the phone. Moss wants to know if Juma is the same guy who helped Ed Harris in The Rock. If so, he asks, do you think Juma will copy Nic Cage’s gameplan from that movie? No way, Renee says, that movie came out more than a decade ago, and plus they were breaking into Alcatraz, not a significant American political landmark. Moss is satisfied with her logic and tells her not to take any unnecessary chances.
Speaking of unnecessary chances, rather than calling for backup, Jack has decided on a solo mission in trying to snuff out the traitor Ryan Burnett. Even Bill Buchanan isn’t safe when Jack wants to go rogue, as Jack knocks him out using a sleeper hold stolen from The Honky Tonk Man from the former WWF.
Then, just when I thought Jack had exhausted his repertoire of weapons – guns, knives, pens – he breaks out a tazer to use on Burnett. A tazer! I remember thinking those were fake when Chaz Sheen and Emilio Estevez used them in Men at Work back in the early 90s. Anyway, Burnett is on the verge of cracking when President Taylor, fresh off yet another “do the ends justify the means?” conversation, orders Jack to stop with this torture. Jack threatens Burnett, tells him he’ll go to all ends of the earth to hurt him but it’s all to no avail as the secret service busts in and takes Jack away before he can uncover any significant details.
President Taylor tries her turn at persuading Burnett to fess up. She offers immunity, though if she had more closely evaluated her subject, I think a gift certificate to Abercrombie or 18 holes at Augusta might have been more tempting. Honestly, is this guy even old enough to be a traitor? Doesn’t he need to be jaded by some past military transgression or something? Anyway, he still won’t crack and asks for immunity. In all this time, not a single American authority – not Jack, not the guy from Shawshank, not the President of the freaking United States – thinks to check Burnett’s cell phone.
Meanwhile, Juma and co. speed away on a boat as Renee, perhaps having watched one too many “Ditka versus a hurricane” SNL skits, decides to jump on board to take on Juma’s men, one versus 50. For bonus points her poor leaping ability leaves her without a working cell phone or gun. Lucky for her, every henchman jumps off the boat except for the junior Dubaku. Renee runs into the boat cabin and unrolls the blueprints. Let’s see, first blueprint looks like a big building…second one looks like a big building…third one…hey! That’s a color by numbers picture of the White House!
(In case you’re wondering, Denver Eric, himself a sailor for much of the year, informs me that ships no longer use the roll ‘em up style blueprint. Instead, each region of the world is laid flat on a different drawer. That way they don’t have to do the whole “can you hold this corner down?” bit. Bet you didn’t think you’d learn that from watching 24. Actually, I guess you didn’t)
Junior Dubaku sees her and she flees, leaping off the side of the boat and swimming to shore, leather jacket, high heels and all. A stroke of luck has her running into a policeman but as he calls for backup, Junior Dubaku guns him down. Off Renee runs before Dubaku corners her. Just as it looks like Agent Walker will be strangled, Moss and the FBI gun Dubaku down. Renee leaps to her feet and tells Moss she knows the White House is the target.
Alas, this information comes too late. Juma and his army scuba dive their way towards the White House, then use an underwater bomb to open up some back entrance…you know, the same strategy Nic Cage and used in The Rock. Jeez Louise. I was kidding about that before. What’s with 24 using plots from mid-90s action movies? Last week it was stealing from Ransom, this week The Rock. Please tell me this season does not culminate in Jack needing to keep a Greyhound above 55 miles an hour.
Bill visits Jack, in some sort of temporary holding cell. Jack tries to persuade Bill to break into Burnett’s room and torture the guy. Alas Bill reverts to a teenage identity crisis and says he can’t because “it’s just not me.” Not even making this up.
Soon thereafter, Juma’s army accesses the White House when a janitor on their payroll opens up a backdoor. Apparently all it takes is some scuba gear, a bomb and a corrupt janitor to break into the White House these days. Yup, just convert one guy getting paid $9.50 an hour and the whole country can be yours. Juma’s men move through the White House, gunning down politicians, secret service men and every random Larry in between.
Bill restores Jack to active duty, mans him with a gun and tasks him with protecting the President. Amidst all the gunfire, Jack and President Taylor move into the safe room as 24 fans everywhere wonder if Juma watched episode three this year when Jack demonstrated how to smoke out a safe room. Somehow the safe room loses all connection to the outside world even though Juma’s walkie-talkie still works. As such, no one is aware of the President’s status.
Juma’s men begin to realize their chances are looking slim, as his men are surrounded. Juma bluffs his way through an announcement to the secret service: retreat or I kill the president. Agent Hovis – instantly one of the true fools of cinema – even asks to speak to the president before figuring hey, this Juma guy is trustworthy, we may as well take his word and retreat. How can I invite this guy to play poker with me? Off camera, the ghost of Kim Bauer erupts in delight.
Juma calls Jon Voight – the actor, not the dentist – who is finally revealed as the real traitor as well as the one providing the schematics for the mission. Voight informs Juma that the President’s daughter Olivia is still in the White House. Aaron Pierce tries valiantly to protect her but they are captured just as Olivia was flashing Morse code – seriously, we’re still using Morse code in 2009? – to the theoretical rescue crew outside.
Meanwhile, the theoretical rescue crew, headed by a suddenly competent Agent Moss, pleads with the vice president to allow them to take the building by storm. In a decision so off the charts it hurts, he says they can’t go in because Juma might kill President Taylor. This despite the fact there’s no evidence Juma even has the president. Sigh.
The VP’s decision soon seems slightly less dumb in the wake of what President Taylor is about to do. I’m not referring as much to the decision to open the freaking safe house door, positioning the entire country to be held hostage just because Juma readied to torture her daughter. No, the decision I’m talking about is the one wherein she went down the whole “Jack, do you have a daughter?” line of questioning. Don’t you see what you’re doing to me? You're setting up the whole “Let’s show that Jack cares about something by bringing back Kim Bauer” plot. Egads. Why? Why, President Taylor, why?
On the plus side, I think I’ve moved past the “denial”, “anger” and “asking questions” stages on the way to accepting Kimmy B’s inevitable return. Now we just need to conquer stage four: depression and finally the mythical stage five: acceptance. We’re almost there. Good stuff, good stuff.
Unanswered questions:
Why is it that the president has to consult with a whole cabinet before she makes any major decision, yet the VP gets to unilaterally decide not to bum rush the White House?
Is Moss’ sun-in wearing out? Is that one of the side effects of stress?
Has anyone else noticed that, as much as 24 has made progress in terms of intel, tracking devides, et al, everyone still uses the same ring tone from season one?
Why does Renee run like that? Has no one ever taught her the importance of using her arms?
