The text came in from my friend Dean (watching three time zones away in Hingham, MA) right as I left my Monday night class: worst finale ever. How could that be possible? Worse than the end of season six, when 24 gave us the “Jack stares off onto the open ocean” arthouse-type finale?
My brain started racing. What could be so bad? Obviously Kim was involved since all bad 24 plots return to her (not 100% true, but it sounds good). As they’ve been rehashing 90s movie scenes all season (Ransom, Speed, The Rock) I tried to figure what terrible final scene they could try to replicate from that decade, eventually settling on the ending to Con Air. Surely it couldn’t be as bad as Jack handing a pink bunny to Kim as the credits roll, right? As long as I lowered my expectations to that level, 24 would have to exceed them, right?
Well…sort of.
I spent the first hour of tonight wondering if Dean was pulling the whole negative Boston guy routine with that text. I mean, sure, the situation was rather unrealistic. I, for one, never want the fate of our nation resting on Kim Bauer’s ability to chase down an armed assassin while wearing heels. Still, there was something refreshingly ludicrous about the first hour, highlighted by Duncan from Seinfeld asking what he should do if Kim Bauer makes him before then. Well, Duncan, if Kim Bauer “makes” you, that would pretty much mean you actually wrote “I am trying to kidnap you” across your forehead.
To Kim’s credit, though, she somehow managed to exchange brains with her dad at this exact moment. This is the only explanation I can come up with as to how she learned to take someone out using only a ballpoint pen at the exact moment her dad was making the woeful decision to free Tony from custody. Parent and daughter exchanging brains and bodies…wait, a minute -- this is from Freaky Friday, not Con Air. Should have seen that one coming. Next time, Mike, next time.
Kim’s brain returns just in time for her to forget the old “stop, drop and roll” rule as her arm catches fire. The 24 writers must be cracking up when they write this stuff. Surely they picture viewers across the country doubling over in laughter or else screaming “this is ridiculous” over and over (note: in my house, my friend Chris was the one laughing. I was the one screaming). If this doesn’t sound funny to you, just insert random Kim Bauer struggling noises, which apparently sound the same whether she’s running or being bound and gagged.
Kim – can’t believe how many times I’ve typed that name already – manages to retrieve Duncan’s laptop, a move that eventually saves her father’s life. Tony is trying to use Jack as a bomb to be detonated once Jack is close enough to Alan Wilson (the big bad guy as well Robert Duvall’s long lost relative as well as Coach Yost from Remember the Titans). Problem is, the FBI swoops in overhead and a gunfight ensues. Tony finds his way into a back room with only Coach Yost and Cara? Carla? whatever the red head’s name was. As she moves to embrace him, he finally reveals to her his true motives, coldly gunning her in the stomach. I love it.
Slowly, confidently, he strides towards Wilson, the man who killed David Palmer, the man who killed Roger Taylor, the man who killed his wife and (as we soon learn) Tony Jr. Tony beats him against a pole and just as he is to partake in his ultimate revenge, is shot by Jack and Renee. Sad ending for Tony here: alive, but without his ultimate conquest. I can’t say I totally disagree with him, either. Do Jack and Renee really think they’re going to get anything out of Coach Yost? Seriously? This is the same Jack who killed Nina Myers in cold blood, right?
Equally disappointing is the end to the Olivia Taylor saga. I’m not sure how or why this happened but I found myself rooting for her. Am I a closet “ends justify the means” guy? Is that what this season was really about for the viewer – answering that question for yourself? Anyway, Ethan and Aaron bust her for setting up Hodges’ death and look rather smug in the process. Again, not sure why I wound up in Olivia’s corner, but it’s probably for the same reason I rooted against Grissom on CSI: excessive self-righteousness pains me.
Speaking of excessive self-righteousness, President Taylor decides it would be hypocrisy to allow Olivia to walk away unpunished. Forget that Hodges killed your son, that he orchestrated the air attacks, that you yourself caved to his demands, that your presidency will be forever tarnished…Okay, I’ll just ask: who on earth did she defeat in this election? Was this like 8th grade student council where you run unopposed? Why grow a spine now?
Then we have the Jack-Kim-Renee-Coach Yost plot. Jack and Renee have a tender goodbye where she picks his brain, ostensibly on the same issue that has been brought up time and again and again and again all season – do the ends justify the means, would you do it again and so on. Basically Renee is asking the same questions the dad from That 70s Show was asking at the beginning of the season: at what point do you write your own rules? Jack says he’s been wrestling with that one his whole life and tells her she has to be able to live with her decisions. Renee takes this to heart, ending the season by switching off all the cameras in the Coach Yost holding room tossing her badge aside as she enters to “interrogate” him. With that, her season-long transformation is complete. Welcome to the world of gray, Agent Walker.
Finally, we have Jack on his deathbed, where his one phone call goes to…the Arab imam from two episodes ago? Seriously? How does he even have the guy’s number? Funny thing, in yesterday’s column, my friend Doug had originally given 15:1 odds that “Jack shakes hands with an Arab guy thereby morally absolving him of all past racial profiling” before cutting it from the column. Jack says he’s done a lot of bad things but the imam assures him that nothing is black and white. You know, that should really be a subtitle for this show: 24: Nothing Is Black and White*. The imam prays for Jack to be forgiven and then departs. If that doesn’t make up for six previous seasons of discrimination, I don’t know what does.
*Well, except to President Alison Taylor.
Just when you hadn’t at all forgotten about her, in walks Kim Bauer. She wants to try the risky procedure now, she knows what’s at stake, etc. She grabs her dad’s hands and tells him she’s not ready to let go.
Arghwghhgshsgrhhdvoustviustv76feiwgcgeyf1y2dgfffthfty! That was the best they could come up with?
It’s like this: you spend an entire season watching this TV show, staying up late to make inane observations for a web site. You exchange countless emails with friends predicting what will come next. You Facebook friend lawyers just to explore the legal ramifications of certain ridiculous presidential decisions. And in the end you’re left with…Kim Bauer telling her dad she’s not ready to let him go??? And there’s no drama at all, because Fox has told everyone within earshot that 24 is returning next year, this time in New York City? And there’s no one – no one – who could possibly fill Jack’s shoes since they killed off everyone except Renee (the least intimidating woman of all time, at least based on how she threatened Coach Yost)? Whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy!?!?! It’s not quite Jack handing a pink bunny to Kim, but it’s close.
(Sigh)
(Composing myself)
(Here we go)
I started this year by comparing 24 to a baseball season: it begins with promise, turns into background noise for a while, then regains its importance towards its close. Some seasons end well, some end poorly but all leave you thinking back to the beginning of the year and saying “man, that was a long time ago.”
Alas, this season the ending has me thinking more like the strike shortened MLB season of ’94: some high points, some low points, and much left unresolved. Such is life when you’re watching 24.
Until next year…
