It’s that time – time for has-been Celebrities, and people who wish they were *real* celebrities to earn a bunch of cash by embarrassing themselves and their families on Celebrity Apprentice.
When Trace Adkins didn’t win last season, I swore I would never watch the show again, but here I am. I just can’t resist the “yuge” (seriously, Trump – there is an “H” at the beginning of that word) draw of watching Trump’s comb-over flapping in the wind. And, I sure enough get to see it in the first few minutes of the show when the big goof gets off a helicopter to address the teams.
Let’s talk about the teams briefly – it’s back to girls against guys, and the girls made Joan Rivers their first project manager. She was described in the intro as an “Entertainment Icon,” wow. She also bragged about spending $150K on her face. Awww, honey, you need to get a refund on some of that…
Also on the women's team is Joan’s daughter Melissa (Andrew Dice Clay asks why they can’t cut the umbilical cord…I agree), T-Boz from TLC (I like her), the chubbier Kardashian sister, the only non-Lesbian LPGA player, one of the nameless women from Playboy, a famous poker player and one of the girls who holds the briefcases on Deal or No Deal. I’m good with names – but it’s going to take me a bit to figure out who is who. You’d think on Celebrity Apprentice, I’d know who more than three of these people are…
The men are a little more well known - Andrew Dice Clay, Tom Green, Dennis Rodman, Brian McKnight, Jesse James, Herschel Walker, Scott Hamilton and Clint Black. What a team. These goobers name their team KOTU (Kings of the Universe), and make Herschel Walker their first project manager. They aren’t getting along well to start out, and it shows.
Trump invites both teams into the board room to give them their first task – making and selling cupcakes. Andrew Dice Clay makes an ass of himself when he tells Trump that the men are fighting because they didn’t have anything to eat – and tells them it is his (that’d be Trump’s) fault.
The ladies start fighting over location, and the men actually start getting their stuff together. Both teams try to work their contacts, and Tom Green gets some dough from Donnie Deutsch – I LOVE Donnie Deutsch!
The guys do a mini photo shoot, and Andrew Dice Clay continues to defy all logic by refusing to wear a little white cap because his boys from Brooklyn would never let him live it down. What a douche.
As the show progresses, my admiration for Jesse James continues to grow, the more I see him in action, the more I love him!
T-Boz, the poker chick, one of the blonds and the Kardashian head over to the Culinary Institute to make the cupcakes. They decide half Vanilla, half Chocolate and they get to work. The other blond, the Rivers gals and the Deal or No Deal girl go to decorate the truck. They put a cupcake on top and decide to wear matching aprons. Wow, good thinking. The second group also goes to get posters, etc done – and Melissa runs the show.
The men are all busting their butts, baking, designing, etc – and Andrew Dice Clay isn’t. He decides to do a couple of shows to raise awareness. He didn’t help at all. I’m guessing team work isn’t one of his strong points. Maybe he should tune into an episode of Wonderpets.
Dice admits to Rodman that he doesn’t *want* to make cupcakes, so he’s doing this to find a way to contribute.
The ladies are baking away, and the vanilla cupcakes by the Poker gal turn out perfectly. The blond baker completely screws up the chocolate batch, and they start to whip up another. The chef guy stops them, and tells them to fill the sunken cupcakes with ganache, rather than trying to make new ones. The poker gal, Annie, takes charge and the other ladies aren’t taking nicely to the bossiness.
Same issue over at the men’s – except the cupcakes taste horrible. They brush them with sugar syrup, hoping to rescue what they’ve got. Jesse James proclaims they taste like ass – mmm, sounds yummy!
Okay, time for the competition – and the women are sucking it up! They sell their cupcakes for FIVE dollars each. They park outside the Playboy building because the whole building said they’d come down to buy one. Their cupcakes definitely look better, but their truck is terrible. It’s covered with pretty cupcakes and the words Celebrity Cupcakes – but nothing else.
The men are smart, and sell their cakes for $20 each. They park in Times Square, and are basically constantly busy. Everyone on their team is recognizable, and they maximize that by putting those pics from earlier all over the truck. Their cupcakes may suck, but the face factor is going to put them over the top, mark my words. The one thing holding them back is Rodman hiding in the truck playing on his Blackberry.
Maybe I spoke a little too soon – Annie pulls some big rollers out of her bag, and gets some big donations. Then, Trump calls the PMs and tells them to take one cupcake from each group to a bakery – the winner will get an additional $15k. The men send Dice with a yellow cake, and the ladies send Melissa with one of the horrible looking chocolate “bombs”. Dice literally carries the cupcake in his hand, and Melissa had a cute little box. We’ll get the results on this later.
When Melissa gets back, she and Joan tell the rest of the group about the errand – and Annie and the Playboy blond rip her, because the white cupcake with chocolate chips was the crowd favorite. Way to be sneaky, Mel.
The ladies start to run low on cupcakes, and Annie turns into the Cupcake Nazi – refusing to let the Playboy gal sell a whole tray. Joan overrides that call when she hears they want 24 cupcakes for $9k. Big fight ensues, Annie looks like a witch.
The men are doing a little better. Their teamwork seems to pay off, as they are raking in the big donations left and right. It almost looks like Tom Green’s big deal isn’t going to work out, but Donnie Deutsch delivers with 1:41 seconds to go – 1 cupcake for $10,000. Suddenly that tray for 9k seems a little silly.
Boardroom time! The women start bickering, and the Deal or No Deal gal tells Annie she can’t believe she told her how to frost a cupcake. Annie explained she just showed her the same thing the chef told her. Trump interrupts and gives Annie some props – saying he knows many men who have lost to her “bigly”. Yes, I rewound it, he said “bigly”.
Trump asks how the men did, and Dice admits that he doesn’t “believe” in baking. I wasn’t aware that baking was something that required belief for someone to do it. It isn’t like they were asking him to worship Vishnu.
Surprisingly (or not, it was a TASTE test, not a pretty test), the women win the taste test, and it just happens to be enough to bump them up over the guys - $61K to $49K. Combined, that’s a buttload of money for “God’s Love We Deliver” which is Joan’s charity – they deliver meals to homebound individuals.
The ladies get to watch along with us, the grilling that is about to go down in the boardroom. Tom Green steps up and blames everyone else for not bringing in big donors. Jesse blames Rodman for not being more visible, and by extension Herschel for not making him get out there. Dice claims that he did the most for the team by getting out there. Eventually, they all gang up on Herschel, except for Brian McKnight who sticks up for him.
Clint Black says that Dice should go – Dice starts to quit, but Trump tells him he’s a loser if he does. Dice then says Trump should fire Scott Hamilton. Scott agrees with Clint on Dice, and suggests Rodman. Brian McKnight says Dice, Jesse says Rodman, Tom Green says Herschel. Herschel brings Rodman and Dice back to the boardroom, and the ladies have to turn off their TV.
Dice and Rodman try to push it all on Herschel for not leading well. They claim that he just couldn’t lead them – and Trump seemingly agrees. I’m getting pissed for Herschel – he seems to be a really nice guy. Rodman claims that Herschel should have asked him to get out of the truck. What a bunch of freaking divas. Rodman is no longer in the spotlight, and it’s because people got tired of his nonsense – same thing with Dice.
Trump decides that Rodman and Herschel fought for their position, but Dice was about to quit – so Dice is fired. You know what, I miss that weird little hand thing Trump used to do when he said that. Trump tells Ivanka that Dice didn’t quit, so he’s still a winner. Whatever you say Donald…
Tune in next week to see Joan leak some kind of liquid from her eyes.
