So many mysteries coming up for this new season of ‘Hell’s Kitchen.’ Who will be the first to let Gordon Ramsay make them cry? Can these people really not fry an egg, the way the promos keep telling us will happen? And when it comes to Brad, a sous chef, and Josh, a junior sous chef, will Brad keeping sniffing down at Josh reminding him that he is merely “junior,” and Josh will respond that he cooks in Miami Beach and Brad knows where he can stick it?
Well we begin in pretty familiar territory, a fancy-looking restaurant (big, blue-lit wine wall! gold trim!) where Gordon Ramsay sits, menacingly presiding over clips of the upcoming season. Oh yes, there will be shouting. And profanity. And, apparently, someone passing out and hitting his head on a counter and an ambulance visit. Whoa! We’re getting a taste of some ‘America’s Next Top Model’-level camp here!
Well, as Mr. Ramsay said it, welcome to hell. The anonymous narrator announces that the kitchen is all new but the chefs have the same hopes and dreams as those who came before them, which are inevitably dashed the moment Chef Ramsay appears on a balcony above them and orders them to the kitchen. Man, they don’t even get a chance to put on their kitchen clogs!
When the dishes are presented Ramsay reminds them that “this is you on the plate,” which is good because we haven’t learned most of their names yet. First up is Vinnie, who tries to argue with Ramsay, which any viewer of any reality show knows is a bad plan. Joanna is next, and she promises that she will “flirt and manipulate” to get to the top even as Ramsay refuses to even taste her rapsberry bellini. Rock presents frozen gnocchi-- horrors! Josh presents foie gras as he explains that he wants food to feel like sex, and Ramsay responds that his dish is way, way too salty-- what that kind of sex would be like, I don’t even want to imagine. Bonnie’s cheese course is dissed, but she concedes that Ramsay is still “kind of hot,” which may be another way of flirting and manipulating your way to the top. Eddie and Brad head up together, and Eddie, who is 5’2 and definitely resembles the geeky kid who sat in front of you in 10th grade math, gets complimented on his “amazing little palate”; both his and Brad’s scallop dishes get the smack down, of course.
Back from commercial Jen inadvertently gets Ramsay drunk on her peach crepes, which is another interesting potential victory tactic. Melissa strolls in as the token hottie and gets complimented on her steak .Julia, with a thick Southern accent and a background as a short-order cook, shows chicken-fried-chicken penne, which looks amazing enough to earn my loyalty for the rest of the season, if she makes it that long. Tiffany gets compliment and Aaron get duly mocked for his cowboy hat but also props he deserves. The teams are sent back to the dorms-- which look like no dorm I ever lived in, by the way-- and prepare for the next day.
The first day in the kitchen flies by in a predictable series of cattiness and breakdowns. On the red team, Julia gets the cold shoulder from the other women, even when it comes time to fry eggs which--seriously!--is what short order cooks do best! For the blue team Vinnie gets slammed for adding water to his risotto, and Aaron totally breaks down when Ramsay asks him how he’s doing (to be fair, if Ramsay looked at me sideways I’d probably cry too).
As the diners arrive both the red and the blue team break down in their own ways; Ramsay is constantly begging the women to stop arguing amongst themselves and Aaron actually throws in the towel to go cry in the back room, but not before Ramsay tells him to “wipe the snot off, before we have snot and chicken.” Ramsay finally has a pow-wow with the red team and demands--thank the Lord!-- that Julia be allowed to fry the damn eggs. And you know what? She’s the only one to successfully do it. Short order cooks for President!
After what seems like endless disasters and an actual diner exodus (which must have been orchestrated by the producers, because come on, free dinner), Ramsay actually calls the dinner off. That’s right, the flames of Hell’s Kitchen were extinguished before the main dishes were even served. It’s pretty clear that, given the backstabbing and total lack of communication, the red team will be chosen as the worst. Melissa, who was the team leader in the only point of the evening that food actually got made, is the best of the worst, and meets with all the women on a chaise lounge to discuss who should go home. Julia, predictably, gets thrown under the bus, with all of them derisively reminding us that “she worked at the fucking Waffle House.” I personally challenge all of you “hell’s bitches,” as Ramsay called them, to make better hashbrowns, that’s all I’m saying.
At elimination Melissa nominates Joanna, who was the most argumentative person in the kitchen, and Tiffany, who Melissa actually promised would not go home-- oh snap! Alliances are falling apart before they’ve even been made! And as it turns out, Tiffany’s the one to go home, leaving Joanna to stick around for another week and flirt her way to the top.
Looks like in the next episode Aaron breaks down in tears again, while Ramsay accuses Bonnie of being dumb, which looks pretty much like everyone will stay in character another week. Even the promos are being themselves-- next week will be the most shocking Hell’s Kitchen ever.
Personal favorite at the moment: Julia, obviously. That kind of sass cannot be wasted; it might even make a tasty essence in an appetizer someday. I’ve also got an eye on Rock, because a name like that cannot be wasted. As long as Ramsay keeps dishing out that tough love, though-- and the dishes keep making me hungry way past dinnertime-- I'll be back.
