For this week’s episode, I could almost hear the cheesy porno music throbbing in the background. I guess to hook the horny frat boy demographic, Fox decided it was beyond time to dedicate a whole hour to the love that dare not speak its name. I applaud them for writing a not-so-openly, sorta, kinda bisexual character, but I don’t think it’s quite fair to lump her in with the heteros by depicting her first on-screen relationship as completely meaningless.
As Thirteen walks stony-faced to the bathroom, her lover calls her back to bed.
Bow-chicka-wow-wow!
Then the girl promptly falls to the floor in a full-on seizure. Damn, Thirteen! Way to rock honey’s world! She rushes her to Princeton Plainsboro where we learn that she’s 26, has a history of fatigue, is not diabetic or hypertensive, had a retinal vein occlusion two years prior, and Thirteen has no idea what her name is.
But House is more intrigued by the welcome back prank he’s played on Wilson. When he finds him sprawled on his office floor – the less-than-amused but seemingly unaffected victim of a wonky desk chair – House isn’t satisfied. He asks him why he’s late and Wilson explains that he had an early morning meeting with reps from Mercy Hospital to let them know he’s returning to Princeton Plainsboro. House remains suspicious.
What makes him feel better is the mental picture of Thirteen and his new patient doing the do at 3am. Thirteen tries to help him keep it in his pants by rapidly “solving” the case: a seizure resulting from dehydration resulting from a cocktail of alcohol and ecstasy. Done! Kutner and Taub both agree on blood clots as a possible alternate cause, so House directs Thirteen to give Anonymous Sex a bone marrow biopsy. And he follows to make it a threesome.
Private Dick’s back on the scene at House’s request thanks to Wilson’s nonchalance and apparent evasion. Why would he leave a breakfast meeting at Mickey’s Diner where he always gorges on French toast, only to accept a donut from House? Carb overload isn’t the answer, so he must be lying. Spying is definitely not the way to start off a rekindled friendship. As usual, Dick voices the truth that House already knows but refuses to accept: he’s afraid his relationship with Wilson has changed.
Thirteen feels a little dirtier when she finds out Anonymous Sex used her to get to House. Turns out she’s been sick for a while and has been trying to get House to look at her file for over a year. That night, she followed Thirteen to a bar just to “talk” her way into House’s caseload (in case you missed it, “talk” is a euphemism here ‘cause I’m sure they didn’t do much talking in bed, nudge, nudge, wink, wink). Thirteen gives her a “sorry to disappoint you” revelation about House’s true motives for taking her case (an excuse to get all up in Thirteen’s business) right before the patient starts to crash.
Cardiac arrest makes House re-think drug use, an idea he had earlier rejected. Thirteen is quick to realize how crappy this scenario is for her because it ultimately means her apartment will have to be searched. She knows House won’t let her do it herself, so she refuses to give up her key. How long has she been working for him? When have silly things like locks, windows, or threat of felony trespassing charges stopped House and his team in the past? Foreman volunteers to go, for his lock-picking abilities and because he’s least likely to disrespect her privacy. But House follows anyway. And whips out a key he had Private Dick make when he hired him to spy on the team.
House heads straight to the bedroom and finds a sex toy disguised as an asthma inhaler. He brings it back to the hospital along with a brown recluse spider, whose venom is known to cause seizures and heart problems. Thirteen tells the team she had asthma as a child and it started recurring when she moved into her new loft. House sends her to examine Anonymous Sex for spider bites. The exam is full of tense anger from Thirteen, husky whispers by SexAnon, and slo-mo strokes across the patient’s naked body.
Bow-chicka-wow-wow!
But the heat ends suddenly when they realize SexAnon has gone numb in her right hip. A blood test finds she has low potassium levels. House points out that this indicates a problem with her kidneys. But what caused it? Thirteen suggests renal tubular acidosis (a condition characterized by the kidneys’ inability to filter acid from the blood). House tells her to do a CT scan to look for calcification in the kidneys. If the diagnosis is correct, SexAnon will need sodium bicarbonate for the acid and surgery to remove the calcified deposits.
House joins Private Dick on a stake-out at Wilson’s apartment where they spy a pro paying him a late-night visit. I already see where this is going. I barely see Wilson as the past philanderer he’s claimed to be, so I definitely don’t believe he’s the type of guy to buy himself female companionship. House has got to see how he’s getting played, right?
The CT reveals renal calcification and Anonymous Sex is wheeled into surgery. While observing the operation, Foreman gives Thirteen what she had feared House would find in her home: the results of a Huntingdon’s test indicating that her illness is progressing much more rapidly than originally thought. Foreman lectures her gently on taking care of herself rather than self-destructing, but she isn’t about to hear it.
After Chase and Taub complete the procedure, Anonymous Sex’s O2 stats start dropping and she stops breathing. Since the kidneys have just been fixed, RTA must not be the underlying cause. There doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with her lungs – no masses, no infiltrates – and yet she still can’t breathe. Kutner suggests an airway collapse and Taub follows up with an autoimmune disorder; the only way to determine this diagnosis is to put SexAnon through a treadmill stress test. Thirteen’s missing from the pow wow.
Foreman can’t believe that House hasn’t had him investigated, so he checks with his brother only to find out Dick did do some snooping. So, why hasn’t House taunted him with any skeletons from his past? Must be because he couldn’t find anything. That’s right; according to House, Foreman “hasn’t done anything stupid, spontaneous, or even vaguely interesting” since the age of 17 when he got busted for auto theft.
Cuddy finds Thirteen in an exam room giving herself IV fluids. She looks like hell and is in no shape to practice. In her office, she tells House she wants to give Thirteen a drug test. House vehemently defends his meth-head employee…then fires her!
House stops by Wilson’s office and tries to bait him into revealing his secret rendezvous. But Wilson does all the reeling in when he “confesses” his hooker with a heart of gold girlfriend. Come on, he can’t really be falling for this, right?
Thirteen refuses to give up on the case and examines some lung x-rays where she detects signs of hyperinflation and possible lung cysts. She rushes to the treadmill test because if a cyst ruptures, her lung will collapse. She gets there too late to stop SexAnon from dropping, but stabs her chest with a scary-looking needle and brings her back.
Thirteen starts to participate in a differential, but House shuts her up fast. The team tries to convince him to give her another chance, but he’s unmoved. He orders the others to do a lung biopsy and shows Thirteen the door. She doesn’t get too far, though – while clearing out her locker, House brings her the results of the biopsy: Anonymous Sex has lymphangioleiomyomatosis, or LAM, a rare and fatal lung disease. He tells Thirteen she must give her the news. When she does, it draws the two women together as they bond over death and dying.
Bow-chicka-wo… Okay, not so sexy.
Another symptom crops up (aplastic anemia), which takes LAM off the table. The team has a million ideas about what’s killing SexAnon, so House tells them to test for everything! They can’t narrow it down, so House tells Thirteen to tell her she’ll need a bone marrow transplant. Thirteen disagrees because SexAnon probably won’t survive the procedure, but she doesn’t have any better suggestion.
House finally gets some sense when Private Dick brings him Wilson’s trash strewn with hypodermic needles. So, Wilson’s capable of hooking up with prostitutes but absolutely can’t be an intravenous drug user? House confronts his friend but is more awed than angry. What’s the real secret? Wilson isn’t talking and House isn’t giving up, so W tells him to meet him outside his apartment at 8pm.
Thirteen manages to convince Anonymous Sex to agree to the bone marrow transplant. House hires her back, despite the obvious bad turn her life is taking. Thirteen doesn’t take the good news very well because she’s sick of the games. But while she’s ranting, House notices her lips are chapped. Then he asks if SexAnon cried when told she was dying. One person’s dry lips and another’s dry eyes – what could they have in common? House diagnoses the patient with Sjögren's syndrome, a chronic disease in which white blood cells attack the moisture-producing glands; its hallmark symptoms are dry eyes and mouth, but it can affect many organs and may cause fatigue. Lack of spit caused SexAnon’s mouth to become a breeding ground for fungus like Candida, which she easily passed on to Thirteen while they were “talking.” She’s not dying after all. Sucks for you, Thirteen – now, you really will have to die alone.
After work, House follows Wilson and Cuddy to a baby clothing and furniture store where he finds out W’s secret: Cuddy’s adopting a baby and Wilson has agreed to be a character reference. What a let-down. I think I’d feel more satisfied if Cuddy got knocked up by Private Dick! Last week, I thought I detected the faint odor of shark turds but I ultimately decided the show wasn’t ready to jump yet. Now, I’m not so sure…
Next Week: An overly dramatic preview montage reveals the following: a man sweats blood(!), House sulks badly over more life changes(!!), Cuddy might lose the baby(!!!), and Princeton Plainsboro is the venue for the kiss heard around the world (maybe). Jaws & co. are circling…
