Devout Christians believe the End Times are near. We’re going to Hell in a hand basket for being a bunch of dirty, selfish, sinful heathens, and from what I see on the news and in the streets every day I’d have to agree. So when the Second Coming comes, I plan on dropping to my knees and bawling like a little bit—…I mean, girl. Bawling like a little girl. Not Father Faith No More. Huddled in his cold, windowless room and obligated to serve a God he no longer believes in, he’s a sad-sack priest with disgust in his heart and an Ark-sized chip on his collar. He has no time for nor feels any desire to minister to the homeless who seek a hot bowl of soup or warm coat at the outreach center where he lives and works. When yet another knock on the door interrupts his sixth glass of Scotch for the night, he’s ready to knock the poor sap’s head off. Good thing he doesn’t ‘cause Jesus would be pis—…I mean, really upset.
At Princeton Plainsboro, Cuddy corners House in the elevator and invites him to attend Joy II’s baby naming ceremony. Of course, he refuses. The idea of making merry, especially in a religious context, is too hypocritical for him to stand. To further avoid Cuddy, he visits the ER and half-heartedly searches for a new patient. He comes across Faith No More’s file and decides that he’s the one. Cameron, who’s returned to the trenches after a stint in Cuddy’s office, scoffs that the priest is just a hallucinating drunk, and later in House’s office the team agrees. But since it’s House’s name on the door (and on the show) he can determine what he wants to waste his time on. He orders an EEG to test for epilepsy, a CT for tumors, and tells the grunts to search the priest’s apartment for toxins. Before Thirteen and Foreman can escape, House stops them and offers an ultimatum: either they stop seeing each other or they quit. They have until the end of the case.
Faith No More insists he wasn’t drunk when he saw Christ; he can hold his liquor all night long and knows what he needs to do to get wasted. While taking his history, Kutner asks the priest about his numerous addresses over the years – looks like he’s moved around to several states within a reasonably short period. At first, Faith No More stays mum, but then he admits he was involved in a scandal: a teen from a youth group at his first church accused him of inappropriate contact and he was transferred to another parish. Then when that congregation caught wind of his alleged indiscretions, they wanted him gone, and so on and so on. Taub instantly deems him guilty and tells him he probably has syphilis. Come on, T, forgive the father for he has sinned…
Foreman and Thirteen argue over lunch whether they should let House mess with them yet again. Foreman has seen one too many House games before and knows they don’t need to do a thing. They just need to call his bluff. And when they do, House fires Foreman! Rather than fight anymore, Foreman concedes and decides it will be best just to move on. He imagines things will be easier once he’s free, but when he goes to Cuddy for a recommendation she refuses. That’s what you get for sneaking drugs to your dying bisexual girlfriend of two weeks!
Remember when you were a kid and you complained about a tummy ache but no one believed you? Mommy and daddy thought you were just faking it to get out of school? And wasn’t it sweet when you finally threw up all over them? Well, imagine that vindication times twenty! House declares the case closed and Taub and Kutner return to Faith No More’s bedside to kick him out of PPH. The poor priest insists yet again that there’s something really wrong. Now, he can’t feel his left foot. When Taub checks under the covers, the guy’s dead black toe falls off!
House’s interest is piqued. He tells Taub and Kutner to go check the priest’s home, orders Thirteen to test Faith No More’s blood for carbon monoxide, and prescribes time in a hyperbaric chamber to prevent any more body bits from falling off. While in the chamber, Faith No More starts to struggle for breath and he grabs his chest. An EKG rules out a heart attack, so House orders an angiogram to check for clots. During the angio, House finally introduces himself to the patient by setting up a philosophical debate about God’s goodness and His gift to mankind of free will (too deep). Kutner starts to pull out the catheter and apologizes for the pain. But Faith No More has pain no more – new symptom: regional anesthesia.
Wilson tells House he’s going to Cuddy’s baby-naming ceremony and House confesses that he really doesn’t have a hooker orgy planned for Saturday night; he just wanted an excuse not to go. Wilson tells him it’s time to join the rest of the human race and accept the party invitation. House catches Cuddy on the elevator and announces that he knows she’s just trying to manipulate him into coming to her hypocritical religious ceremony by guilting him with kindness. She bats her eyelashes and tries to convince him that her sincerity is real. He accepts her invitation. Cuddy immediately goes to Wilson and drops the act; she tells him she was free and clear until he stuck his nose in and now the miserable son-of-a-…preacher man (trying not to curse in the religious-themed episode is exhausting) is coming. She wants him to fix it. Wilson runs back to House and tries to convince him not to go, but House tells him he won’t let Cuddy play him before he plays her first (this ping-ponging back-and-forth is making me tired too).
House thinks Faith No More’s chest pain and numbness are connected. To determine whether the diagnosis is neurological in nature, he orders a nerve conduction study. During the test, they detect an intercostal neuralgia (nerve pain along the ribs). Faith No More asks if it can affect one’s eyesight because now he can’t see! The team finds nothing structurally wrong with his eyes, but the patient’s body continues to slowly shut down. Thirteen suggests an auto immune disorder. House thinks it’s probably the spleen and orders a biopsy which reveals the presence of pnemocystis, a typically harmless bug that doesn’t cause symptoms unless the affected person has a compromised immune system. Growing up a child of the ‘80s, those three words hold a lot of weight and usually point to one thing: AIDS!
Thirteen finds out from House that he’ll consider re-hiring Foreman if she quits, so she approaches Cameron and Chase for advice. She asks Cam whether there’s an opening in the ER, but Chase advises her against leaving the diagnostic team. He doesn’t think office romances are a good idea (hypocritical for the character to say since he’s still dating Cameron; right on the money to come from the lips of the actor since Jesse Spencer couldn’t stay engaged to co-star Jennifer Morrison). Cameron tells her she heard of an ER opening at Mercy Hospital and she’ll put in a good word for her.
Kutner argues against treating Faith No More for AIDS without confirmation because the antiretrovirals will fry his major organs, but the patient won’t consent to a test. He strongly insists that he can’t have AIDS because he’s never shared needles, had a blood transfusion, or had sex. Ever. Taub is still pretty sure he’s got it and is mainly concerned with warning the kid he allegedly molested. Taub hunts young Ryan down at the diner where he works and discloses Faith No More’s illness. He tells him he needs to get tested for AIDS if he hasn’t done so already. Ryan tells him to mind his own business.
Thirteen is super proud of herself when she tells Foreman he can come back home to PPH because she found another job, but Foreman isn’t quite so happy about the news. To him, it translates into lack of faith in his ability to score his own job away from House. Faithlessness spreads like a cancer when he pops up in House’s office the next day to ask for his job back. Thirteen walks in and is mad that he made the decision to humble himself before House without telling her first – she just gave up her new job for him. When she storms off, House gives him the option of getting his job back or going after his lady. Foreman, cold as ice, doesn’t move a muscle. House hands him his name badge and welcomes him back to the team.
While receiving AIDS treatment, Faith No More breaks out into vile skin lesions all over his body. House suggests Hyper-IgE Syndrome (otherwise appropriately known as Job’s Syndrome), a group of disorders involving recurrent staph infections, skin rashes, and high concentrations of the serum antibody immunoglobulin E, or IgE. But Kutner quickly knocks it down when he reveals he already checked for IgE levels and they were within normal range. House sends them to conduct further genetic testing.
As Taub and Kutner are collecting blood samples for testing, an uninvited visitor appears at Faith No More’s bedside. No, it isn’t Jesus again. It’s Ryan. At first, the scene smells like trouble, until the boy kneels beside the priest and begs his forgiveness. Turns out he made up the whole molestation thing. Ah, kids!
House is stumped, so he retreats to his whiteboard for some alone time. With Wilson chatting away in his ear, of course. He calls House a hypocrite for claiming he doesn’t want to go hang with the other hypocrites at Cuddy’s place. He really does want to. Wils tries to explain non-practicing Cud’s reasons for having the ceremony in the first place, but then eureka happens. House realizes that if he erases hallucinations from the list, the remaining symptoms point to Wiskoot-Aldrich Syndrome, a genetic disorder that looks a lot like AIDS but isn’t. So, where did Jesus come from? Like all good things, his visit can be explained away with alcohol.
Cameron tells Cuddy she should drop the act and just tell House she really wants him to come to the baby-naming ceremony. House considers following Wilson’s advice and admitting that he wants to attend the party. They meet in the PPH lobby, pause, and then both chicken out. While Fore-teen reconciles and everyone else celebrates Joy II’s Jewish christening (now that she’s been named, I guess I should start calling her Rachel), guess who’s tickling the ivories and sulking into his own glass of scotch?
Next Week: A prepubescent hermaphrodite doesn’t know he’s a she. And there’s a nasty rumor going around PPH that House is…nice!
