I'm convinced that tonight's episode of Lost was a half-hour long. [Ed. note: Turns out we accidentally fast-forwarded through half the episode. So, uh, the version I first saw really was a half hour long. Recap has since been corrected.] I was entertained the whole way through, anticipating the next turn, but what the hell actually happened in it? I really did figure it'd be many more episodes before we actually saw the Oceanic Six make it back to the island, and I'm thrilled they took care of this-- and a lot of scientific mumbo jumbo about how they did it-- in one zippy episodes. But, I've got to say, the islanders were missed. Well, except for one of them-- but we'll get to that.
"It happened."
The opening shot of the episode is familiar one to anyone who has obsessively re-watched their Season 1 DVDs-- it's the first show of the entire series, Jack's eye opening as he's lying down in the jungle. For a few minutes we think it's exactly the same scene as the first of the series, until Jack hears a scream in the distance, and it's Hurley, swimming in a lagoon while clinging to a guitar case. Yeah, that definitely didn't happen in the first episode. Jack rescues Hurley and finds Kate lying on a rock over in the distance. They pull the old fake out, because of course, she's fine.Then she asks if they're back-- and they totally are! And now we flash back 46 hours earlier, to figure out how the hell this happened.
"Is he telling the truth?" "Probably not."
Back in Los Angeles, 46 hours earlier, Mrs. Hawking pulls the whole crew down into the church catacombs, where there's a big hatch door with a Dharma logo on it. Apparently those crazy hippies called this "The Lamppost," and it contains all kinds of crazy machinery that helped them locate the island. Mrs. Hawking explains in one of those endless expository Lost scenes that electromagnetic pockets and mathematical formulas, blah blah, are why you can find the island from. Desmond asks Ben if he knows about this stuff, and he says no, but Mrs. Hawking and everyone else figures he's probably lying. There's a time frame in which the whole bunch of them can get on a plane and recreate their experience of Oceanic Flight 815-- the closer they are to how they were when the plane went down, the more likely it is they'll make it back to the island. And in this recreation of the crash, the part of Corpse Christian Shepherd will be played by Corpse John Locke-- provided Jack can find something that belonged to Christian to put on Locke. Yeah, I don't really get that part either.
"Start by asking yourself whether or not you believe it's going to work. That's why it's called a leap of faith."
Jack gets pulled aside by Mrs. Hawking so she can explain the whole Locke-is-Christian thing, while Desmond peaces out forever (so he thinks!) and Sun and Ben go take care of their own business. Mrs. Hawkin hands Jack Locke's suicide note-- he hung himself, don't you know-- which has Jack's name on the front. Jack, being the pussy that he is, won't open it, and asks Mrs. Hawking to prove why this whole get-back-on-a-plane shenanigan will work. She tells him, essentially, not to be silly-- we settled the whole Man of Science vs. Man of Faith thing back in season 2, and science lost out, buddy!
"If you want me to go with you, you'll never ask that question again."
About halfway through the episode it becomes clear why it's fast-paced and interesting but not at all compelling-- it's Jack-centric! He comes out of the basement with Mrs. Hawking to listen to Ben give a speech about Doubting Thomas of the Bible. Thomas didn't believe that Jesus was resurrected, but eventually he had to believe! Anyone who didn't the Locke was going to be resurrected should be convinced by now. There's also a stupid detour to visit Jack's granddad in the nursing home, whose only purpose seems to be to provide Jack with a pair of Christian's shoes to give Locke-- but I'm betting he'll come back into play eventually. And then Jack comes home and pulls out the bottle, but someone's in his house! Is it Sayid? Is it Locke? Is it anyone remotely interesting? Nope, it's Kate, and she's coming back to the island, and making out with Jack in the process. Oh, and Aaron is gone, and we're not allowed to ask where. Snooze.
"We're not going to Guam, are we?"
The day of the flight to Guam, Kate and Jack share a cutesy-cute breakfast, and Ben calls Jack from a marina, having been beaten to all hell. Is his errand for an old friend trying to kill Penny? Jack has to pick up Locke from the butcher shop holding place, and winds up yelling at a corpse, telling John once again that he's right, Locke is wrong-- and of course Jack will be proven wrong in the end. They all wind up at the airport, Jack once again in checking in a corpse, Kate wearing incognito sunglasses, and Hurley buying up all the remaining seats on the plane so no on else has to crash on the island. What a sweetheart. Sayid is arriving in police custody-- whaaaa?-- and Ben hops on the plane at the last minute, freaking Hurley out. Once the plane is airbone they hear the announcement from the pilot-- who is Frank Lapidus! He takes one look at Jack and company and knows the jig is up: "We're not going to Guam, are we?"
"Jack, I wish you had believed me."
Mid-flight Ben is reading Ulysses, while Jack is flipping out, and finally talks himself into reading Locke's letter. It says what you see above in bold. Damn, Locke, way to play the guilt trip from the grave! Before Jack can get all weepy, the plane starts to shake, the light gets bright, the time travel noise comes back, and we're back with Jack opening his eyes in the island. We see an unnecessarily long repeat of the scenes form the beginning of the episode, and once Jack rescues Kate, they hear a motor noise coming toward them. It's a Dharma van! There's a guy in a Dharma uniform in the van! And that guy is Jin!
That one little surprise at the end was probably the biggest thrill of the episode, but hey, we've gotten all the "we have to go back!" nonsense out of the way, and everyone is back on the island to figure out what the hell happens from here. If nothing else, it'll make these recaps a whole lot easier to write.
