Holy Freaking Crap! It’s finally time for Survivor: Gabon to begin!!!! The new season starts with a bang as we get a brief introduction to the new survivors. Basically, there are a bunch of hot guys and gals, a few “older Americans”, and a couple of moms.
The logical place to start is with choosing tribes, and this was the funniest school-yard pick that I’ve ever seen. The muscular men were not at the top of the list. The oldest guy and gal were the team leaders, and the old guy went first. He chose Ace, the bald guy (sort of muscular, but kind of skinny), who then picked the 50’s pinup model Sugar. Jillian, the older gal, picked the extremely tall, African-American mom (aka Olympic Gold Medal Winning Basketball Player) and after that was the other mom.
It went on like that until the gay guy, Charlie, complains about the fact that the strong males aren’t being picked. And I can see why he’s upset – he’s sooo masculine.
Once the tribes are all together, Probst announces that they’ve got to race up this huge hill – and the first tribe members from each tribe will get immunity. But, the first entire tribe up gets an extra bag of food. So, the jerks make themselves known real early on. Marcus is the winner from Kota (yellow), and GC is the winner from Fang (red) – and Kota wins the extra food.
The tribes next have to make their way to their new homes, and Kota has Bob (the teacher and older guy), the guy who apparently builds grass huts in his spare time. Fang, on the other hand has Jillian, and she is a certified fruitcake. I know she’s from South Africa and all, but she spends the day collecting elephant dung for fire purposes. I get that, but when she suggests they wring it out for drinking water, I’m wondering if I can continue to like Fang just because Dan the man is on this tribe.
Ken and Melissa eat some termites, and Randy busts his head on a branch. Melissa mentions at some point that she can’t figure out why she is on the team with a bunch of dorks, and when she should be with the other smart and beautiful people on Kota. Wow, I hate her.
One thing I noticed when Randy was being sewn up is that his voice sounds just like Kevin Spacey from Seven - and the next morning, when his head is all wrapped up, he looks like a pineapple. Ha! Even more amusing is that Charlie clearly has a crush on Marcus (he actually comments on his “beautiful blue eyes”) and Marcus totally knows it. He thinks Charlie is a handsome guy, but that’s just “not how he rolls.” And the best thing is that Marcus is totally going to flirt with Charlie to get his vote. Double Ha!
When the tribes finally get their tree mail, it’s a little riddle about working together. Ace leads Kota in a group Yoga session (Paloma and Bob mock them in the hut), and I’m thinking since they can mostly work together like this, they’re gonna win.
The competition is rough (see the Survivor Preview I posted yesterday), and since Fang can’t get their crap together, you can guess what happens. After the complete and total blowout by Kota, Fang starts their backstabbing. There is a bit of split between Michelle (she’s too bitchy, and won’t talk to anyone but Ken – the Asian Napoleon Dynamite guy), and Jillian – extremely annoying and obnoxious older lady.
Tribal Council is typical. Stupid Michelle can’t keep her mouth shut, and it’s pretty much guaranteed that if she doesn’t go now, she will be gone shortly. They all start yelling over each other, and Michelle needs a smack on the mouth. These guys are idiots – except Dan and Crystal. Jeff helps them chose their “leader”, and Michelle bitches about being the last one picked, and I quit listening to her crap after that. I’m stuck on the leader thing – that’s never happened before to my knowledge. Has a tribe ever been so lost that Jeff had to help them pick a designated leader?
Voting commences, and Jeff “tallies the votes”. Thank the Lord, Michelle is G-O-N-E.
On a side note, I’m going to have to admit that Jillian is probably my next pick to go. Since this is a two-hour show, and this is only one hour down, maybe she’ll be gone before the night is over!
Charlie is so infatuated it’s funny. They are on a little rowboat together, and I hear “kiss the girl” playing in the background. Charlie goes on and on about how great Marcus is, and Marcus can’t stop talking about Jacqui. Marcus explains that he wants to develop an “onion alliance” including him and his boyfriend, Jacqui and Corrine.
GC is a maintenance guy, so I guess it makes sense that he’s in charge. He points everyone around and tells them what to do. Fang tries to work together, but GC is not listening to anyone. Since Randy is such a team player, he’s ready to let GC crash and burn, and I’m thinking maybe that’s why they can’t win anything. GC couldn’t sleep cause the snoring was crazy bad, but he decided to wash clothes in the middle of the night. Everyone is up and the fighting starts again – GC decides to quit as the leader, and GC tries to pass the buck to someone else, but no one wants the target.
In a show of solidarity, my man Dan paints everyone with charcoal to get them fired up, and it seems that they actually might work together on this one. When they arrive at the immunity/reward challenge, Kota tells the idol they’ll see it in a minute – nice.
This challenge consists of a huge boulder being pushed around up and over the hills, trying to get it to several sets of keys (to stand on it) and ultimately to the finish. Fang tells Jillian to just run with them. Surprisingly, it’s neck and neck the whole way. Six keys – three locks – everyone gets done at the same time – Kota wins.
Probst congratulates Fang on their good effort, and I want to pluck my eyes from my head after seeing Randy spread-eagle in his black bikini underwear.
Dan is sent to exile, and I’m glad he gets the first chance to get the individual idol. Reward was fishing gear, and I’m sure Marcus and Charlie will be spending more time in that boat together. Jacqui thinks they will never lose, and I really don’t like her.
Not only is Dan my man, but he’s smart too. He can read directions – he chooses the “read first” scroll before going for the clue. Funnily enough, my husband pointed out a subtle bit of symbolism in the gourds – “clue” was a fully erect gourd and “comfort” was “limp and lazy”. Triple Ha! (My real man kills me.)
Dan can’t figure out the clue, and he is so distraught and upset, I just want to scream for him. Did I mention that the shots of wildlife are freaking amazing? Oh, and I completely forgot about the elephant just outside of Fang’s camp earlier. Yikes! That was kind of random – sorry.
Since Fang has to go back to tribal, the posturing is going on hard core. Oddly enough, Asian Napoleon Dynamite is big on blaming Jillian for the lack of strength. He sure comes across as Hercules, so I can see why they are going for Jillian over him. Jillian catches this, and tries to point that out to anyone who will listen.
The Kevin Spacey guy impresses me, 'cause he took his glasses apart to make a hook for fishing – and GC offered his shoe laces, and the girls looked for worms – and then the tribe was trampled by wild razorbacks. Okay, that wasn’t true, but I was hoping. By some miracle, they caught some fish, and suddenly the reward didn’t seem so valuable.
Dan returns from exile, and GC thinks he found the idol. GC must be really good at reading people… For some reason the stupid people decide they are going to vote Jillian or Dan, and only Kevin Spacey can talk some sense into them. I swear if they vote Dan, I’m not watching this damn show anymore. Crap, I’ve got to do this recap for the whole season!
At Tribal, GC tells Probst that he quit as the leader. Probst smirks and asks everyone what happened. GC tries to blame everyone else, and Crystal steps up – I’m pretty sure she is the leader, though no one realizes it. She accuses Dan of having the idol, and he dumps his bag and begs to stay.
Voting commences – who’s it gonna be? Dan votes Jillian, Jillian votes Ken, Randy says sorry to someone.
Votes are tallied, Dan - 0, Ken - I, Jillian – IIIII. That’s five for Jillian – thank the Lord! Dan and Crystal need to form an alliance, they are my favorites.
