There’s an old adage (I think it was originally coined by Jesus) that says, “Don’t go to the grocery store while you’re hungry.” The stockpiles of unused food in my pantry prove the veracity of that statement, but I’ve always found that you shouldn’t go to Target while you’re in an impulsive mood. Why, you ask? Well, ordinarily my runs to the superstore end with obscene amounts of DVDs from the five dollar stand, but yesterday, I took things to an entirely new level.
I was attempting to hook up my DVR, television, and DVD player, and I realized that I didn’t have the correct cords for the latter. Naturally, I put down everything and headed to a nearby Red and White location. I meandered through the candy aisle, bypassed the bean bag chair aisle, and eventually found the electronics section. I quickly spotted a friendly looking employee and headed towards him when the scene slipped into chaos. Suddenly, there was blood and security guards converging on a shady looking teen. The help asked me to please browse for a few moments until they deciphered exactly what had just occurred.
Most people would probably take a bleeding adolescent and the angry horde of out-of-shape Target workers chasing him as a bad omen, but I’m not a goddamn psychic. I don’t know these things. As the brouhaha slowly deescalated, I sauntered over to the flat screen televisions and briefly checked the prices. Thirty percent off! There were sales everywhere. I’m definitely not a mathematician, but thirty percent off sounds like a good time to me. Eventually, the sales man returned and explained that the bleeder had tried to covertly punch a hole through the Playstation 3 games glass.
Pushing the impulsive and foolish potential TV purchase in the back of my mind, I told him that I needed cords to hook up the DVD player. Then something strange happened. It was like this nineteen year old prick was reading my mind. He said, “You know, we have a large selection of flat screen televisions with the DVD players already attached.” That asshole! How did he know about my secret flat screen desires? I wasn’t quite sold yet, until he continued, “The new models are extremely easy to hook up.” I like things being easy to assemble! The whole thing was like a scene out of Being John Malkovich except the unfortunate man getting his mind read wasn’t an aging actor. It was me: some douche with two charge cards and a moderately sized pile of cash.
“I’ll take it,” I shouted. I quickly opened my wallet and handed this amateur Miss Cleo my debit card. Yup, this was going to be the best purchase ever. No way, I would ever be upset about this gem. I was no more than half way out of the store before I realized that I had just forked over four hundred dollars when I had a larger, albeit non flat screen, television at home. Goddamnit! At least it would be easy to assemble. Wrong!
In theory, televisions are beyond simple to install. You just open the box, plug it into the wall, and you’re on your way. Unfortunately, in reality, nothing is ever that simple. Screw the cable into the DVR box and run a line from the knock-off Tivo underneath the entertainment center and back to the actual TV. Then check to see if it worked. Realize that you did everything ass backwards and wrong. Swear under your breath a few times and then start the entire painstaking process again. It makes me tired just thinking about it.
Naturally, I gave up on installing it on two separate occasions in favor of chain smoking and drinking Mountain Dew. A man needs some time for his vices after all. Thankfully, I was eventually able to weave through the cord maze and get down to some serious resting. I turned on the new boob tube and smiled at how narrowly better the picture was. I could slightly discern the more vibrant colors, and it made me feel special knowing I had payed a faceless corporation four hundred dollars to let me install what was basically my same television. God, I love America because it’s the only place in the world where people can sympathize with a financial decision as ignorant as that.
