This past Sunday, my strikingly hot and always charming boss, Kelly West, wrote her weekly “Clicker” column on programs that she is going to Tivo during the summer. Unfortunately for you, the reader at home, I’m a rather lazy and sometimes uncreative bastard; so, I have decided to swoop in and plagiarize her idea in possibly the boldest move of all time. Think about it: I may be the first person ever to steal my direct boss’ ideas, use them for my own benefit, and then send them back to her for approval. It’s the opposite of everything I would have learned in business ethics class (had I felt the need to go or not pass notes with a girl way out of my league when I did attend).
My Tivo is an asshole. I know that I shouldn’t really describe an inanimate and usually helpful object as a circular area that shoots poop, but anthropomorphism allows me that benefit. And there’s really no other way to describe it. Sometimes it chooses to record the programs I tell it to; while other times, it apparently naps or goes for a bike ride during important viewing hours. Occasionally, it will only playback certain shows at half or 1/3rd normal speed. So, yeah, my Tivo is an asshole.
That being said, it’s a great writing aide, and I’d probably choose it over one of my grandmothers’ lives. (The one that’s a bitch.) I’m flipping through my list of series recordings this summer, and honestly, I’m almost taken aback at the crap I’ve recorded. Like John Holmes or anyone involved in the Nixon Administration, I’m a pretty big fan of passing the blame onto others; thus, needless to say, I’ll go ahead and take issue with summer programs as a whole, rather than my questionable and sometimes vapid tastes. Here’s a rundown of some of shows I’m currently Tivo-ing and a brief explanation why that I’m not enthused about it.
Last Comic Standing. I devoted an entire diatribe to LCS last week, but I really don’t feel amiss revisiting it because none of the episodes had even aired. It was more of an indictment of the entire fourth season. Last week’s episode is now in, and I feel slightly better having devoted a chunk of my Wednesday primetime schedule to the comedic vessel. The show, as a whole, is in no way groundbreaking or even well-produced; however, it does provide occasional guffaws, chuckles, and “ohh, no, you didn’ts.” I’m going to stop short of recommending this, but it is better than watching a blank screen for an hour or getting bitched at on the phone by your girlfriend.
Pirate Master. Is there a possibility that this is the most ill-advised show in the history of broadcast television? It’s like an accidentally ironic commentary on the excesses of reality television, and the foolish, almost downright vindictive assumptions of network executives that Americans will swallow anything put on our plates. Let’s take 15 dumbasses, throw them on a boat, fabricate history lessons, and let them run willy-nilly around an island trying to find a million dollars worth of poorly developed gold coins. It’s like a fat guy running; it provides momentary amusement, but ultimately, you end up with a sweat-stained shirt and breathing problems.
On The Lot The show really is pretty mediocre in every aspect, which sadly places it near the top of the summer television landscape. The biggest issue facing ‘On The Lot’ is lack of viewership. I know this seems obvious, but hear me out. The best thing about ‘American Idol’ is bullshitting about each program afterwards. Everyone chooses favorites, and petty squabbles like “Did Kellie Pickler get a boob job?” erupt every few minutes. None of this can happen when half of the contestants’ families aren’t even watching.
Jerry Springer Uncensored Shut the hell up now! I’d much rather pay seven bucks to watch rednecks tear off each other’s clothes, while Jerry rolls his eyes and counts his stacks of money than anything else on TV. Is it laudable or pathetic that I’ve blown twenty-one dollars on this crap over the last two months? I’m not going to lose any sleep over it, though. Besides, there’s just no other outlet to feed my rampant elderly transvestite addiction.
So You Think You Can Dance No, I don’t. But I will watch more attractive and talented people try. It’s an hour of hot women in skanky outfits gyrating to music I haven’t thought about in years. How can you possibly go wrong? Sure, it lacks important features like celebrities and straight men, but that’s just a small price to pay for watching overly emotional nobodies get hot and bothered over shaking their asses.
I could go on and on, but really, what’s the point? At any time this summer, you can randomly choose a channel, and you will end up with mediocrity. It may provide some escape from your drab, meaningless life, but in the end, it’s just a clever distraction to hold you off from demanding the glories of the fall season premieres now. The only real solution is to hibernate until fall. Unfortunately, very few of us bear the capabilities to do so (pun very intended!).
