A few years ago, I was flipping through channels, and I came across The Usual Suspects on television. Like any violence-hungry high school male, I turned it on, eagerly awaiting my favorite obscenity-filled bloodbath. What I got was a castration; a pathetic, bloodless joke. Sure, the characters looked the same, but they sounded more like Mormons than crazed mercenaries. Still, I sojourned on with a blind hope or at least, a strong desire not to get off my ass and retrieve my DVD copy that was three agonizing football fields away (Actually, it was inches out of my couch-bound reach.).
I continued to stare, tricking myself into seeing light at the end of this G-rated tunnel. And then I heard it; a verbal tirade so offensive that Bob Saget would have blushed, a sentence-long dirty vociferation that one would only expect utterance from a cupcake-deprived Rosanne Barr. I heard, “Give me the keys you ear-tugging, fairy-godmother, brother.” I had no idea what it even meant. My mind raced. It was the type of strange phrase known only to Dr. Seuss and J.R.R. Tolkien characters. This atypical dialect certainly wouldn’t come from a sniper-obsessed convicted felon.
That was the final blow. I summoned the strength to vault out of my cushy seat and grab the uncensored version. My next two hours were spent excitedly gawking at criminals and henchmen scaring the hell out of me as they swore at and shived their enemies. So glorious. It was just how God, or at least Bryan Singer, had intended.
Sadly, this alteration epidemic doesn’t end with one screening of The Usual Suspects. In fact, more and more movies are becoming increasingly emasculated by network censors. So, it naturally begs the question: should films with hard R-ratings be edited and shown on non pay channels?
If you weren’t able to decipher my opinion from the weighted introduction, I’ll spell it out crystal clear. No. No. No. The entire idea of censoring a film seems illogical to me. When you begin editing scenes and changing dialogue, you end up with a story that doesn’t make sense. Why even show it at that point? Imagine if the ‘Bible’ edited out all the sex, drugs, and rock n roll. It would be like five pages of Jesus walking around Bethlehem and then a few of Paul’s letters.
Possibly the most egregious network film mutilation offender is TBS. Programs like ‘Dinner And A Movie’ and ‘Movie Extra’ feel it’s perfectly normal to cut out violence in films like ‘Exit Wounds.’ Are you kidding me? What is the point of unleashing Steven Seagal without all the vicious roundhouses and gratuitous breast close-ups. It’s like diet coke without Captain Morgan. There’s a little fizzy goodness but all the kick and positive after effects are missing.
VH1 has also had its share of televised travesties too. Did you know they shoved a toned down version of Showgirls down viewer’s throats? In case you’re not familiar with the NC-17 debacle, Showgirls was an over-hyped and under-acted disaster starring Jessie from ‘Saved By The Bell.’ It was basically an hour and a half of graphic nudity, rape, and crocodile tears that came to some conclusion that I don’t really remember. Broadcasting this movie without boobies is more catastrophic and disheartening than Chernobyl.
So where is this censorship coming from? The FCC has strict regulations on what non cable channels can and cannot televise. Thankfully, ABC and friends usually are pretty good about showing relatively tame films, but what is the excuse for cable channels? They have the freedom to set their own standards. If networks really feel the need to force morality standards on an unwilling viewing audience, then just don’t show those movies.
A few years ago, cable channel Comedy Central began airing unrated stand-up comedy and uncensored movies after midnight on Friday and Saturday. This has led to increased ratings and one would presume increased enjoyment. There’s really no reason why other networks shouldn’t be able to adopt the same policy, but so far, no one else has followed in their groundbreaking footsteps.
Are edited films creeping onto airwaves the worst thing in the world? No. But it’s an ever increasing annoyance that needs to stop.
