For the last ten thousand years, people have been placing each other in different groups and hierarchies. Whether by money, political party, or racial origin, we isolate ourselves apart from the others, looking down from our judgmental apexes with the confident swagger known only to religious fanatics and people with the last name Kennedy. It’s a tough place atop the segregationalist mountain, but it’s more comfortable than standing in a valley next to the French, Catholics, or worse, Detroit Red Wings fans. I really don’t like to buy into these divisions because in the end, all these football fields of space bring is ignorance and intolerance.
The way I see it: there are really only three types of people in this world. Those who constantly talk while watching television; those who occasionally make witty, snarky comments during programs; and those who remain completely silent. That’s it. Fin. No more. Everyone swims among these three schools, and I can discern all the information I need based off this simple attribute.
In accordance with this strict divisionist policy, I’m going to bring you an uncensored, frank look inside all three of these flocks. The findings may abhor your delicate sensibilities, but I’m a journalist. It’s not my job to protect you from the real-life menaces around you. I will also provide you with a short list of our forefathers and assorted famous people who fall into each flock, because what’s the point of doing anything if you can’t compare your personalities and choices to more intriguing people than you? I’m not sure if that was sarcastic.
Group 1: Those Who Constantly Talk
I hate every one of these assholes. You sit down to watch your favorite show, and they insist on regaling you with stories about their dog or worse, their children. I think I speak for myself when I say that I’m more captivated by Homer Simpson than accounts of your child walking for the first time. I don’t care if the little shit said his first words. Right now, I’m trying to figure out who shot J.R. and that is a much more imperative concern.
If you really need to open your blow hole (or walk in front of the television during a field goal that will decide not only the fate of the game but also the outcome of your one dollar bet) than proper etiquette dictates that you pause the Tivo, apologize for your inconvenience and then babble about how your wife is cheating on you. You should probably also get everyone a beer to help erode the asbestos cloud you just coughed atop the room too.
Famous People Who Talk/Talked While Watching Television Dane Cook, Hermione Granger, Jesus Christ, Jason Todd (Robin II), Terrell Owens, Screech Powers, Cinema Blend Head Honcho Josh Tyler, Sammy ‘The Bull’ Gravano, and almost every woman who has ever lived.
Group 2: Those Who Occasionally Make Witty, Snarky Comments
I love everyone of these assholes. They wait for the perfect time and insert some comment about pretty boy Jeff Gordon’s asshole being looser than the Secret Service in Buffalo, New York during the Pan-American exposition in 1901. Everyone has a good laugh and then you go right back to silently watching Dexter cut up some pedophile on Showtime. It’s really the way God intended things to be when he invented television in 1993.
Another thing I love about this group is their propensity to bring up thought-provoking questions during each commercial break. Credits will begin rolling and someone will ask an intelligent, SAT-worthy quarry like, “Who else would do some dirty things to Topanga Lawrence?” “Do you think God watches ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ or ‘CSI?’ Wait...nevermind. He probably has Tivo.” Or “Why didn’t anyone tell me that Number Six from ‘Battlestar’ was in Playboy?’ This bantering discussion really provides an intellectual outlet for stimulating conversation.
Famous People Who Make/Made Occasional Comments Mark Twain, Mack Rawden, Brian Griffin, Judd Apatow, Cinema Blend Head Honcho Josh Tyler, Nero Caesar, Jon Favreau, and Patton Oswalt.
Group 3: Those Who Never Talk
I hate everyone of these assholes. I would rather have someone not talk at all than bombard the room with downer bullshit, but if someone comes up with a clever word play during an opportune time, they should be free to throw it out there. If a line of dialogue is missed, you can always rewind. It’s not a funeral. You don’t have to put on a fake somber and stoic face for some ass who you always mildly disliked. This is television. It’s meant to be enjoyed with a group of friends or at least a hot chick.
Famous People Who Never Talk Helen Keller, Silent Bob, Calvin Coolidge, Max Weinberg, King Kong Bundy, Cinema Blend Head Honcho Josh Tyler, and MAD Cat from ‘Inspector Gadget.’
Which type of person are you?
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