I don’t have any kids; however, I will probably have some children in the future. I’m going to go ahead and hope they’re planned and not stroke-inducing surprises, but that’s beside the point. What’s really important is that I have already decided I’m not letting them watch ‘MTV.’ Woah Woah Woah. This is not my half-assed attempt at pushing morals on my children. I plan on raising them in a seedy environment of second hand smoke, swearing, and gradual disappointment. The type of place where only artists and madmen thrive and the sane ooze into debauchery. But this dank stink hole somewhere between Andersonville and the Western Front will NOT include ‘Music Television.’
There have been so many essays, articles, papers, diatribes, and rants written about ‘MTV’ not playing music videos anymore, that penning another one is almost completely pointless. In fact, I’ve honestly never met anyone capable of logical thinking patterns not in favor of ‘MTV’ adding at least a little more video based programming. With my feelings on this subject clear, I’m just going to accept the fact that ‘MTV’ executives will never play more videos and focus my ire on the reality shows they are all too pleased to shove down my throat.
The ‘MTV’ reality craze started in 1992 with the premiere of ‘The Real World.’ You may remember the first season by nothing interesting ever happening and its genuinely being real. The incredible popularity of ‘The Real World’ brought about it’s little sister ‘Road Rules’, a far less interesting mess of a program that eventually got cancelled and then randomly reappeared kind of like herpes. I’m really not going to complain about either of these shows because at times in their history they have been both interesting and positive.
These early reality shows created a nice contrast to place opposite music videos and other programming; however, in the last five years ‘MTV’ has decided to switch what seems like ninety percent of its schedule to increasingly more outrageous true life stories. It almost seems like an elaborate joke. I can picture executives in sketchy, smoke-filled backrooms pitching shows like ‘Date My Mom’ and ‘Laguna Beach’ to network bigwigs in some complex joke to find out how much feces my generation will swallow without asking questions. Well, teenage viewers have spoken, and apparently, they want more interchangeable reality based programming.
Arguably, the most egregious example of these new over-the-top shitfests is ‘My Super Sweet 16.’ Wow. Good call ‘MTV’. Let’s take the most spoiled, self-obsessed cases for Euthanasia and give them their own half-hour program to flaunt their wild excesses. On a positive note, each girl will cry at least once per episode(probably about a dress, best friend, or lost ‘Cosmo’ issue), and each girl will probably crash the new car she gets because Karma is the only bigger bitch than these girls.
Another recent ‘MTV’ blight on society is Kallissa Miller. Miller produces such gems as ‘Next’, ‘Date My Mom’, and ‘Exposed.’ I once heard writer Trevor Clippert quip, “Would you really be shocked if (Kallissa) Miller used Mad Libs to pitch her new shows?” This is both hilarious and possibly factual. I can’t really prove what her Mad Lib looks like, but here’s my best guess:
They dance (adverb). (Noun 1) then makes (Noun 2) (Degrading Verb).
At some point someone gets eliminated.
A frivolous selection is made based on (Noun’s)(Superficial Body Part).
One out of five will be a gay episode.
Everyone will act like outrageous stereotypes.
The problem with these Kallissa Miller shows is the sheer volume of them, and the lack of variance between personality types. One of these messes would be ironically watchable to symbolize everything that is wrong with the “XTREMES” of my generation, but four is way too much. It’s like Rocky. The first one is slightly interesting, but after that, it’s just some inaudible dumbass getting punched a lot.
‘MTV’s’ ‘True Life’ is a great social podium to discuss important issues like autism, OCD, and serious drug addictions. Quite a few of these episodes have brought up legitimate conversation among teens about relevant issues, and for that I applaud them. ‘MTV’ has serious power and influence over an entire generation, so I thank God everyday they dedicated entire episodes of ‘True Life’ to the following epidemics:
I live in a brothel
I’m backpacking in Europe
I’m getting plastic surgery
I’m going to fat camp
I’m going to prom
I’m stepping
I’m a competitive eater
I’m a reality TV star
I’m a backyard wrestler
And most importantly…
I’m obsessed with my dog
‘I’m obsessed with my dog.’ Are you kidding me? How can you bill yourself as a serious program, and then devote your one episode per week to that nonsense? ‘MTV’ executives like to tout ‘Made’ as a life changing program also, and this wild assertion is even more offensive. If you’ve never heard of ‘Made’, the basic idea is taking a teenager who has always wanted to do something but never tried and give him a crash course on the subject. The teen even gets their own coach to help teach them and monitor their progress. I would have no problem with this if they picked average kids who wanted to try their hand at something new. I only wish we were so lucky. Basically, they pick an unfortunate loner who has convinced himself that if he makes the soccer team or achieves in some other way people will like him. ‘MTV’ cameras then follow him as tries his hand at the activity and then feels “accepted.” Is there any worse lesson you can teach a child? Ohhh, those kids over there are mean to you? Just practice everyday for two months, and then try to win their favor with your new skills.
Honestly, is ‘Next’ really that horrible to watch? No. Is ‘Laguna Beach’ really that counterproductive for society? No; however, when you take all of these shows and combine them together, it puts out one horrible message. ‘MTV’ lumps people into broad stereotypes and shows these caricatures over and over again. The truth is no one interesting fits into these little pigeonholes. Everyone exciting I have ever met is incredibly weird. I’m incredibly weird. All of my friends are incredibly weird. Weirdness is what makes people special. ‘MTV’ seems on a hellbent mission to create a generation of pathetic frat boys and airhead girls who think fitting in means hiding their true selves and chastising anyone who seems different.
I, for one, have no interest in my future kids ever buying into this bullshit.
Post a comment if you feel like bashing me, complaining about MTV, or filling out your own Kallissa Miller Mad Lib reality show idea.
