The world of television is ever changing. Mostly having to do with reality stars and their “will they, won’t they” contract signing drama. But there’s a lot going on each week in TV, and not all of it’s good. We’ve decided that you, dear reader, deserve to have the most interesting of tales told laid out for you in a neat organized list form. Welcome to This Week In Television, where you see what’s worth your time over the past seven days.
There may be a lack of shirtless men for the ladies out there this week, but us dudes are covered with Lost hotties. The previous sentence does make you wonder if the douches who really talk like that know how much I want to slap them. What’s the biggest and most interesting of newsy items for this week? It’s a tossup between Dexter season five greatness and reconfirmation that American Idol is a black hole of inanity.
Increase your debt, see Glee in concert
If you’ve always wanted to see a live performance by a fake high school glee club, your chance is nigh. The cast of Glee will be going on tour to show off their talents, which includes singing and dancing. But even more important is the ability to shill for American Express and expand the already pervasive debt problems of our society. See how edgy Glee can be? When it comes to taking advantage, this column utilizes it at every opportunity. Such as knowing that the preview for Modern Family was for another outstanding episode. We’re simultaneously in the past and future, which mathematically medians out to the present.
”[Build] for your fucking life”
American Idol, stay away from me .
Everyone knows that if you want to adapt a really long novel to film you should do it in mega-series format. And if you want it to be good you hire Al Swearengen to make it amazing. The only way Pillars of the Earth could be better is if it showcased the Muppets building a Cathedral, after which they win a trip to Disney World for a day where they terrorize children. Talking felt frogs are closer to creepy than cute. Hey, American Idol sucks and the rest of the world is catching up with this fact thanks to this season’s crop of hacks.
Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick discover they are not distant cousins
What happens when you can afford to pay the fees to use Ancestry.com? Find out when celebrities utilize the site to track down dead people. But wait, there’s more! Since these are celebrities they can also travel to various countries and further follow their heritage, they can explore the family tree more than you. American Idol? Still sucks just as much as the night before, in case things weren’t clear.
Claire is hot, and stuff is going to happen on Lost soon
JFK Assassination 2: Do That Thing You Do
I’ve already established I don’t read Lost spoilers because my head would explode. But remember when Miles mentioned “that Australian chick” still being hot? We have photographic proof in our tease of the last half of the season that Claire is, in fact, categorically hot. Tom Hanks wants to plot more Kennedy assassination things. Unless Shades is there for the backbeat of an infectious pop tune you can count me out.
Baby Morgan will have to learn to serial kill without daddy’s help
When the chilling season four finale of Dexter aired I couldn’t figure out where the writers would go. They felt the same way. But now we know they are not jumping forward in time to turn Dexter into serial killer Miyagi as some had hoped/feared. In fact the creators of the series have put out a reasonable statement about how the death of Rita might be something worth exploring for the character. Please stop putting thought into your show; it makes the rest of the TV landscape look bad.
Chuck takes the little blue pill
Chuck is the best thing airing on Monday nights. Maybe you should watch.
I’m going to sit on the wall and watch a game of thrones
Hours of Oscar opinion at your fingertips
I’ve been trying for nearly three years to read through George R. R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire series with little success. Now that HBO is fully committed to bringing the first book to their subscribers I’ll just sit back and wait to watch. Forget the iPad or Kindle, cable mini-series’ are the new way to enjoy books. And if you always wanted to read what everyone is thinking during a marathon of celebrities getting awards, we’ve created a liveblog of the Oscars for you. Warning: it doesn’t make Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin any better. On the up side, it doesn’t make them any worse.
That’s it for This Week In Television, March 1st through the 7th. Come back next Monday to catch up on all of the tasty bits we hid under our napkins because we know that Peeps are better when stale.
