When it comes to some of the best sitcoms, Abbott Elementary instantly comes to mind every single time. With four seasons (so far), the series has truly cemented itself into pop culture and has given us a plethora of hilarious quotes to choose from—some from the main cast and others from the kids themselves. Here are some of the best that we love.
“I Bet You Are” (Season 3, Episode 4)
I literally could not think of a better quote to put here than this one from the Season 3 episode “Smoking,” in which it gets out that Janine takes part in smoking weed to calm down and relax. Still, it spreads to her students—and then one walks past her when she says hi, and the student replies, “Hmph, I bet you are.” It's hilarious every time I listen to it.
“She Pale Like A Zombie! You Know They Eat The Hottest People First” (Season 1, Episode 2)
There were a lot of moments in Season 1 of the show that truly made Abbott Elementary one of the best shows ever, and most of them happened to be from my girl, Ava. And, of course, one of her best lines is in the second episode of the first season when she sees a sick Janine on the floor and compares her to a zombie – because, of course, she does. And then books it out of there because she doesn’t want to turn into one.
“I Don’t Speak Line” (Season 2, Episode 10)
You know you have the best friend in the world when they can sail past a line like it doesn’t matter, and one night, when Janine heads out, the friend she’s with easily skates past a line at a bar, simply saying, “I don’t speak a line.”
“Sir, You Are Bald” (Season 1, Episode 13)
Some of the best one-liners in Abbott Elementary come from the kids, and at this moment, when Mr. Johnson says to a child that they can do whatever it takes to “keep them out of his hair,” a child responds, “Sir, you are bald.” It's just deadpanned straight up, and it makes me laugh every time.
“I Just Don’t Like Pizza” (Season 1, Episode 9)
It’s not the premise of the line, but it’s the context. Everyone is flabbergasted that Gregory, one of my favorite characters from the show, doesn’t like pizza like everyone else. I mean, how could you?
“I Care About Whether Or Not I Can Make A Change” (Season 1, Episode 1)
The pilot episode of Abbott Elementary will forever be one of the most memorable because it started us off on this whole show. A memorable line that Janine said was, “I care about whether or not I can make a change,” in response to people going against her teaching style and everything else. It’s a great character moment that shows just how willing she is to help these kids.
“Don’t Tell Me What Kind Of Day To Have” (Season 1, Episode 7)
Ava strikes many times with a hilarious quote, and of course, this one is from Season 1, where we first meet her. Janine tells her to have a good day after a conversation, and Ava snarkily responds, “Don’t tell me what kind of day to have.” I mean, she’s not wrong, but-
“Sweet Baby Jesus And The Grown One Too” (Season 1, Episode 11)
Barbara is like that teacher who, at first, seems strict, but over time, you come to love her and the hilarious things she says. One of the best quotes she ever said was in the episode “Desking.” In this instance, she walks into her classroom and finds all her desks upturned. She says, “Sweet baby Jesus—and the grown one too!” I laugh each time. It’s almost as funny as her celebrity mix-up gag.
“You See A Genius Cleaning, I See A Cleaning Genius” (Season 1, Episode 6)
In the episode “Gifted,” Mr. Johnson ‘gifted’ us with one of his best lines, where he simply says, “You see a genius cleaning, I see a cleaning genius.” Preach, my man. Preach. That’s how it feels when I’m trying to keep my house in order.
“You Know I’m A Feminist – That’s Why I Let You Pay For All My Stuff” (Season 1, Episode 13)
While we are all cheering for Gregory and Janine’s relationship over everything, Tariq was a fun boyfriend for Janine just because of the ridiculous one-liners he would drop. One of my favorites is when he speaks to Janine, telling her, “You know I’m a feminist, that’s why I let you pay for all my stuff.” Sure, that’s why.
“The Emergency Is, I Don’t Feel Like It Right Now” (Season 2, Episode 9)
Mr. Johnson is coming at us with quotes yet again because this line gets me every time. In the episode “Sick Day,” Mr. Johnson simply says, “The emergency is, I don’t feel like it right now,” in response to the cameras when he tries to get away from a favor someone asks him. I mean, yes, I’m going to use this on every occasion right now.
“No Press Is Bad Press, Barb” (Season 1, Episode 1)
The pilot episode of Abbott Elementary has plenty of standout hysterical moments, and one of the best quotes was from Ava, when they find out the camera crew is going to be recording them. While Barbara is kind of against the idea, Ava simply says, “No press is bad press, Barb,” because she wants people to see the school and herself. You have to love it.
“I’m A Pacifist. You Mess With Me, I’mma Pass A Fist Across Your Face” (Season 2, Episode 12)
Mr. Johnson has some excellent zingers throughout the show, and in the Season 2 episode, “Fight,” he surprises his coworkers by telling them that he’s a pacifist. But in reality, he meant to say, “I’mma pass a fist across your face.” It’s not an original line, but from Mr. Johnson? It hits just the same.
“Girls…And Young Idris” (Season 1, Episode 4)
Before Janine and Gregory were a thing, Ava pretty much hit on Gregory nonstop, and one of the most hilarious moments is one that you might gloss over: when she basically called him “Young Idris,” referring to Idris Elba. That’s a steep comparison, but hey, I’m here for it.
“My Followers Aren’t Going To Influence Themselves” (Season 2, Episode 2)
Ava is one of the most influential people on the show because, somehow, she is always able to get what they want. In the Season 2 episode “Wrong Delivery,” she says the classic line, “My followers aren’t going to influence themselves.”
“I Thought You Were One Of Them Spicy Whites, I Hate Being Wrong” (Season 2, Episode 5)
Since Abbott Elementary is a show set in Philadelphia, the cast is primarily Black. Still, there are a few Caucasian members, and one of them happens to be Melissa, an Italian from South Philly who gets into a debate with Ava one time. Ava, in response, says, “I thought you were one of them spicy whites. I hate being wrong.” This makes me chuckle every time.
“Every Day? That’s Wild” (Season 1, Episode 11)
In Season 1, Ava further shows just how unaware she is of her school half the time when she’s informed the kids come in early in the morning. Ava looks surprised and says, “Every day? That’s wild.” The line delivery is utterly perfect.
“Satan’s Right Behind You, Girl” (Season 3, Episode 13)
Everyone knows that Barbara is undoubtedly the character that has a close relationship with God, and that’s totally fine, but that doesn’t mean people don’t use it to their advantage. So, of course, Ava says to Barbara as she’s running in a race, “Satan’s right behind you, girl!” And obviously, it makes Barbara run faster.
“Regrets Are Harder To Live With Than Consequences” (Season 3, Episode 14)
Mr. Johnson has some hilarious lines, but he also has some great moments that stand out and give really great advice. One comes from the Season 3 finale, where he tells Janine, “Regrets are harder to live with than consequences.” It’s a very moving moment and really makes you think each time you hear it.
“The Schemmenti’s Have A Rich History In Firefighting – Also Fighting, Fighting” (Season 2, Episode 11)
If you’ve watched Abbott Elementary, you’ve seen Melissa’s family and know that they’re some tough cookies. One of the best moments is when Melissa openly says her family has a history with firefighting – and also regular fighting, because, of course, they do.
“Clean? Girl, I Knew You In College” (Season 3, Episode 13)
It always gets down and dirty when it comes to a race, and of course, in this relay race episode, when one of Ava’s many teaching opponents says that they want a clean race, Ava responds, “Clean? Girl, I knew you in college.” Every time, I find myself snickering.
"I Hate Bosses. That's Why I Became A Principal" (Season 4, Episode 11)
Ava strikes repeatedly with her one-liners, and in Season 4, Episode 11, she dropped a line that made me rethink my life: “I hate bosses, that’s why I became a principal, so I don’t have any.” It’s not the best route to the top, but I have to respect the process and the fact that she did become a principal. It’s not like she didn’t succeed.
“I Don’t Need All Them Bills Coming” (Season 1, Episode 4)
In Season 1, Ava drops another fun line, where she doesn’t like to see the postman and cusses him out when she’s up early, saying, “I don’t need all them bills coming.” Same, girl, same.
“If Anybody Could Appreciate A Few Extra Holes In Their Body, It’s Jesus” (Season 3, Episode 5)
Good lord, because Ava gives me another zinger to work with. In Season 3, when Barbara admits that some of the church ladies don’t like her because she’s too modern, Ava relates that to Barb having more piercings and says that if anyone could appreciate holes in their body, it’s Jesus – and yes, that is as dark as you can expect it to be.
“You Hold Right There, Young, Ethnic Adam Sandler” (Season 3, Episode 14)
Erika honestly has some of the funniest lines in the show, and one of my personal favourites is the Season 3 finale, where she’s introduced to a young man named Simon and calls him “young, ethnic, Adam Sandler.” I mean, what? Where do you even get that from?
“It’s All A Garden To Me” (Season 2, Episode 20)
Barbara has some of the best lines in the show, and one of my personal favorites has always been from this episode, where she comments on how people debate her teaching style. She says others throw dirt at her while others enjoy the flowers of her growth and the students that sprout from it. To her, “it’s all a garden.” And that’s just beautiful.
“I Do Not Want To Live In A World Where White People Explain Dance Movies To Me” (Season 3, Episode 4)
Barbara is another one of those characters whose every single time she talks makes you want to laugh because you never know what’s going to come out of her mouth. One of the best lines that she says to Jacob is, “I do not want to live in a world where white people explain dance moves to me.” I'm already crying about it as I laugh.
“My Kids Are Moshing To ‘I’m A Little Tea Pot” (Season 3, Episode 4)
Because why would they not be? During a fire alarm in Season 3, Gregory admits that his kids aren’t freaking out and are instead moshing to “I’m a Little Teapot.” Because yes, this is the kind of energy we need.
“What Were You Gifted At? Being Annoying?” (Season 1, Episode 6)
The Season 1 episode, “Gifted,” is one of my favorites, and Janine reveals that she was in the gifted program as a kid. Ava, being Ava, openly says, “What were you gifted at? Being annoying?” I can’t even describe the burn that feels like, I’m already crying laughing.
“Snakes In The Garden, You’re Criminals!” (Season 4, Episode 9)
The Season 4 crossover with It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is, hands down, a hilarious episode. When the Abbott Elementary teachers find out who the gang really is, Barbara confronts them in the hallway, simply saying, “Snakes in the garden, you’re criminals!” Of course, she’d find a way to reference the Bible. I love it. I don’t even want to see Barbara retire from teaching after this.
“A Dream Can Be A Distraction Just As Easy As It Can Be A Goal” (Season 1 Episode 11)
Mr. Johnson once again proves how inspirational a man he can be with his random lines of advice. In the Season 1 episode “Desking,” he says to Gregory, “A dream can be a distraction just as easy as it can be a goal.” This is in relation to Mr. Johnson’s long career history and how he made the choice to become a janitor rather than follow his dreams.
“I Fixed Your Light” (Season 3, Episode 14)
The moment we saw this in the Season 3 finale of Abbott Elementary, we knew Janine and Gregory were endgame. He simply comes in and says he fixed her light that was on the outside of the porch before he kisses her, and I’m already squealing thinking about it—oh my god.
There are so many other quotes I could include here, but these stood out to me. If you think I missed anything, let me know. For now, I think it’s time to rewatch this show and laugh even harder.
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