The White Lotus Finale Watchalong: I'm Sharing My Horrified Thoughts On All The Deaths And Big Reveals - Live Blog

Welcome, friends and strangers and generalWhite Lotus fanatics. It's the biggest night of the year for Mike White's HBO hit, and I can already tell I'll need one or twelve deep-tissue massages and spiritual consultations around 90 minutes from now. Kick off those sandals and grab a drink. It's about to get nasty in paradise.

It's the last Season 3 opening title sequence we'll get from the 2025 TV schedule, and I think I'll miss it now more than I thought I would have in the first half of the season. Still not the banger that came before, but a worthy successor. As if my approval is needed.

Lochlan watching Piper wake up, with his hands in his pockets no less, is not the kind of imagery I want to associate with Buddhist teachings. The same goes for Tim popping pills while wearing his ever-present Duke T-shirt.

Was Jaclyn reading Sritala's memoir? Is she going to learn something interesting from the actress' past?

Sam Rockwell's Frank may very well be Season 3's biggest tragedy, despite the fact that he never quite seemed truly unhappy while onscreen. Especially while he was rolling down that hotel hallway. What a fucked up li'l rascal in his bikini briefs.

Gaitok is going to report the robbery and everything will go smoothly in the way he expects....is what I would say if I were Bizarro White Lotus viewer.

Laurie is hungover and feeling awful at the exact time Jaclyn chooses to take the higher road and apologize. Just like a terrible friend, amirite? I still wish Laurie would have taken something jewel-shaped from her sexual tryst.

A big gigantic LOL at Belinda forgetting that Zion and Pornchai already met under the least comfortable circumstances.

I totally understand Belinda's reasoning for not taking Greg/Gary's $100,000 hush money, but I also think Zion has the right idea in telling her to try to game the presumably guilty killer into offering more money.

Belinda's animal-covered shirt feels like a clue I can't get into obsessing over at the moment.

I'm torn between how much of Piper's reaction to her temple stay was genuine, and how much of it came as a response to Lochlan so confidently saying he would be joining her when she moved there.

Props to Sarah Catherine Hook for that scene, too. She mostly convinced me, but her reactions to Lochlan previously still have me suspicious. Plus, Victoria's own reaction to Piper's pampered comments was enough to make me throw up into Tim's confiscated pill bottle.

Dammit, Piper. Don't be like them. Don't be like herrrrr.

Oh. My. Lanta. Lochlan's attempt to confront Saxon over THAT brotherly handjob was hard to watch. And my hears started to ooze brain fluid when this came out.

Jesus, Lochlan. Say less. Say nothing.

Even though Gaitok has the show's version of Chekov's gun, I would rather see him get into a big fist fight with Valentin over the robbery. Especially if it mirrors the fight coverage from the penultimate episode.

Hahahahahaha. Just as Saxon was starting to find a reason to feel fully human for possibly the first time in his adult life, true sunshine burst out of Aimee Lee Wood as she ran to hug the now-returned Rick. I kinda hate myself for thinking she's the most likely person to get offed.

It wouldn't be the worst thing for audiences if both Chloe and Saxon died by running head-on into each other at full speed.

The fact that Tim has to rely on Lochlan being the only family member who isn't obsessed with money, but is obsessed with pleasing people, is the one who might tip the depressed and potentially murderous-suicidal criminal into not going fully over the edge. Maybe all he needs is a handjob. I won't say from who, though....

I don't know if I believe Valentin's claims to Gaitok or not, although I'm inclined to, given that he sort of outed himself with his plea.

But I don't really care either way, I guess. I'm fine with him taking whatever fall needs to happen.

As soon as someone in a TV show refers to another thing as a "Suicide Tree," there's no question whether or not that fruit will be used in the most nefarious of ways. Especially when such a detail is revealed to arguably the WORST PERSON WHO COULD LEARN THAT FACT.

Greg/Gary always has "dentist office waiting room with a broken TV, weak WiFi and zero magazines" energy, and it would make me extremely anxious about ever telling him anything that came across as even slightly off-putting. Even if he wouldn't kill me first thing, he might start talking more, and he's just not that interesting a guy.

But power to Zion for having the mega-balls to put a figure like $5 million on the table before showing his cards to say he looked into Tanya's net worth.

He probably should have capped it off there without questioning how many days Greg/Gary has left on the planet. I love that Belinda played into Zion's plan without him even knowing it. Smart woman. Outside of trying to bilk money out of a murderer, anyway.

If Tim is truly trying to kill only himself, he's likely going to also take Saxon down unintentionally by using that blender. You just KNOW Saxon has some kind of smoothie recipe to counteract shock and sudden depression.

Mook turning down Gaitok's nice-guy behavior is not surprising in the slightest. So if that doesn't turn around and blow up in her face somehow - presumably through drowning-by-testosterone - it's possible I don't understand what her storyline was supposed to be at all.

I didn't see Laurie confessing her Aleksei encounter so soon into reconnecting with the others.

Also, how many hours does Valentin work during each day's shift? If he's not with the friend trio, he's always in uniform.

Chelsea getting to speak the line where the episode's title is mentioned...

...then saying that whatever Rick does to hurt himself hurts her...

...then finally, at long last recognizing the lack of forever-dom in their relationship. Ouch.

Seeing those big emotional eyes well up makes me want to go back and smack myself for judging the character's naivety in the past. Chelsea deserves only the best!

Wow, Laurie's monologue is quite possibly the most well-written and authentic-sounding admission of self-reflection possible in the world of The White Lotus. I wish I had the ability to say certain things to some of my oldest friends that could possibly unlock deeper pathways to happiness.

Maybe I just need to make and then spend a lavish amount of money on a vacation to make that happen.

The backwards music was the perfect background for Tim's backwards approach to "helping" his greed-soaked family as he poured everyone's poison-filled piña coladas.

I wonder how much they need to drink for it to work, sinc ethey all definitely drank some before his conscience finally kicked into gear. They should have all followed his advice to Lochlan.

What a psychopath, trying to go to bed immediately after trying to murder his family, without even making the attempt to clean anything up himself. Very foreboding shot of the uncleaned blender.

Gonna need a comedic White Lotus spinoff called All Them Danged Monkeys.

Holy shit, Belinda got her money, with Greg/Gary saying he was giving it to Tanya as much as he gave it to Belinda herself.

Natasha Rothwell delivering one of Season 3's best lines with:

Four minutes if you're lucky, Belinda.

What. Kind. Of. A. Fucking. Gross. Moron. Is. Lochlan.

I didn't think he deserved a super-heinous fate for anything that happened earlier in Season 3, but making a morning smoothie after not having cleaned the blender used the night before that supposedly had bad coconut milk in it? He deserves whatever.

Walton Goggins' Rick standing toe to toe with Scott Glenn's Jim just naturally makes for great TV, but it's even better when the latter rocks the former's world by claiming Rick's mom lied about what happened to his dad.

What a way to break someone's spirits, too:

He could have sent that message in an email, if only Rick had left his email!

Doesn't look like anyone suffered anything too terrible from the bit they drank the night before? But Lochlan doesn't look like he'll make it through breakfast-time.

And now we've come full circle back to how the Season 3 premiered started, with Zion starting his wellness session with Amrita. She tells Rick she'll catch back up with him again in one hour, but we know that won't happen with all the gunfire that starts up.

Okay, so Lochlan's death scene - interpreted as him drowning in a pool surrounded by monks' shadows - made for a more tragic outcome than I anticipated. I love the way it reflected the interpretation of death he heard at the temple.

Tim Ratliff should get the award for "Most Powerful Hindsight When It Comes To Cleaning Out Poisoned Appliances Before Passing Out." I definitely feel bad for him, considering he can now officially add "accidental filicide" to his rap sheet.

Ugh, speaking of full-circle moments, I am a bit sickened by seeing Belinda doing the same thing with Pornchai that Tanya did with her, in a manner of speaking. Albeit under different cirumstances, but still.

Fucking Rick. I wish that was just a dream sequence, but no. None of it.

Not Rick taking Jim's gun and shooting him in cold blood in front of all kinds of witnesses which was fucked up enough.

But it also wasn't a dream when Rick learned that Jim is actually his biological father. What. The. Fuck.

Turns out Rick is pretty damned amazing with a gun, seeing as how he took out the Lotus' security team with deadly accurate headshots. But it turns he should have been a better shield than a weapon, as his actions inevitably led to Chelsea's death.

R.I.P. the most innocent White Lotus character.

Of course the one time Gaitok decides to prove himself to be a man, it's listening to his boss and putting a stop to the man who opened fire inside a hotel resort. Oh, wait, that was actually the move he was supposed to make, even if viewers didn't want to see it happen.

But goddamn, Gaitok had no real idea if Chelsea was really dead or not, and didn't appear to be all that interested in checking after she was dumped into the water.

R.I.P. Rick, you tragic mistake, you.

I'm taking back anything that sounded nice about Lochlan's earlier scene, as it wasn't a true death at all! He just went unconscious for a while, and woke up after a bit, even though Tim seemingly didn't do a lick of CPR on his son.

I thought Tim might even jump off of the boat after it left, but no, he just gave some half-assed advice to his family to prepare for sour grapes when they get back to the U.S. Not the best mental chaser to the strangest family vacation they'll likely ever have, but at least he didn't kill his own kid. What a hero.

Looks like Chloe and Greg/Gary will get to play out his "got caught cheating" roleplay fantasy. So it was all worth it in the end, I guess.

Natasha and Pornchai's love story better continue in a different season or a different show or a video game or an airline pamphlet or SOMETHING. What they had was real, and unlike Tanya, she doesn't have another romantic relationship pulling her away from the plans they talked about.

So I want to believe she'll give him a call after she gets settled and feels safe enough.

IT'S OVER. The blood has stopped flowing. The boats have stopped...rowing. (No need to rhyme here.) The Ratliffs have left the building, which means the building is now far less controversial and grimy than it was when they were guests. Speaking of, let's wrap with a round-up of conclusions for the major stories.

• The Ratliffs: Nobody died, and no one found any true catharsis, and Tim is set to face major consequences for his white-collar crimes. It's presumed that Lochlan will remain clueless about why his protein shake truly threatened his health, and Saxon will remain clueless about why he let Lochlan jerk him off. IT'S NORMAL, OKAY, DEAL WITH IT.
• Gaitok: Unable to make his romantic connection with Mook work, Gaitok was shown to have ascended to the idealized role of Sritala's driver, having been the one to quickly avenge Rick's attack on Jim. Of course, Rick helped by first taking out most of Gaitok's colleagues.
• Laurie, Jaclyn and Kate: Despite having the most innate drama rise to the surface throughout the season, the three lifelong BFFs made it out of Thailand with a bond that's possibly stronger than ever.
• Belinda and Greg/Gary: For all the predictions and theories that something would go completely haywire with these two history-sharing characters, it looks like the affluent widower made good on his part of the deal, and Belinda is now $5 million (and one killer secret) richer. Assuming the boat she and Zion left on wasn't bombed, of course.
• Rick and Chelsea: Alas, the star-crossed lovers become bullet-crossed victims. And Rick died knowing that he'd just shot his real father, whom he'd held years of unwarranted hatred, while carrying the corpse of a loyal lover whose death he all but guaranteed with his actions. No Buddhist-inspired peace for Rick, even if his demise literally had him floating in water.

Thank you to everyone who read along during that wild-ass finale. It'll be a while before I get back back to my normal heartrate. And I'll be looking out for updates about Season 4 in the meantime.