32 Taylor Tomlinson Quotes That Prove She Is A Masterful Comedian

For some comedians, it takes decades to become one of the most celebrated in the business. However, Taylor Tomlinson achieved the success many only dream of before she turned 30, and it is easy to see why. Just take a look at some of the funniest quotes from her Netflix stand-up comedy specials and elsewhere.

"He And I Broke Up Because He Cheated On Me... In My Head"

Taylor Tomlinson has been noted for being very honest about herself in her stand-up routines, such as her history of struggling to trust people in her love life. For instance, one of the definitive quotes from her debut Netflix special from 2020, Quarter-Life Crisis, refers to a relationship that ended because she only assumed her then-boyfriend was unfaithful.

"I Went To The ER Once Because I Fell Asleep Wearing AirPods. Woke Up, Couldn't Find One. Thought I Swallowed It"

Comedy fans with anxiety will find a lot to relate to in Taylor Tomlinson's stand-up. She uses this bit from 2024's Have it All as an example of how someone's most embarrassing story about being overly cautious could be worse. In fact, she would eventually find out that the AirPod was in her pillow case, but not until after she was already at the hospital.

"You Can Tell If You Were [A Loser In Middle School] Based On How You React To One Key Phrase: 'Okay, For The Next Exercise We're Gonna Partner Up'"

Before starring in her own special, Tomlinson was showcased in a Netflix original stand-up series called The Comedy Lineup. One of the best bits from her episode of the 2018 series invokes memories of being an introvert and having to find a classmate to collaborate with on a school assignment.

"It's Been A Rough Couple Years. I Got Bangs At One Point. [Things] Got Dark..."

You know, I actually think that Taylor Tomlinson would look pretty good in bangs. However, she explains in her 2022 sophomore special, Look at You, that she believes said hairstyle is "a great way to get your friends to check on your well-being."

"I Dated An Extrovert Once. We Moved In Together. The First Week He's Like, 'Hey, What If We Had Some People Over?' I Was Like, 'Look, If You Don't Wanna Be With Me, Just Say So'"

Imagine having social anxiety so severe that you take your significant other's suggestion to have a friendly gathering at your own home as a red flag. That is the gist of this clever bit from Have It All.

"I Have Never Left An Interaction With A Cat Feeling Better About Who I Was"

It is nice to know that Tayor Tomlinson is, apparently, a dog person. It is a bummer to know that her motivator is intimidation by feline interaction.

"I Wore That Ring For Two Months. I Never Got Used To It. It Kept Getting Caught On Stuff, Like Sweaters And My Freedom"

A major topic of discussion from Quarter-Life Crisis is the time that Tomlinson was engaged to be married, which ultimately did not last. Based on this joke, it appears that a point of contention was that she was not quite ready to let go of her independence and commit to her then-fiancée, which is perfectly understandable.

"You Feel Like Haley Joel Osment In The Sixth Sense. Just Like, 'Oh, He Doesn't Know He's Dead Yet"

In Have It All, Tomlinson describes what it is like to be on a date with someone whom you are confident you are going to "ghost" later. She likens it to the 1999 horror movie classic, The Sixth Sense, which concludes with the shocking reveal that Bruce Willis's child psychologist, Malcolm Crowe, is, unwittingly, a spirit himself, which young medium Cole Sear (Haley Joel Osment) knew from the moment he met him.

"I Was Like Those Spikes You Drive Over When You're Returning A Rental Car. As Long You Keep Moving Forward, Everything's Great. But If You Back Up A Little, I Will Slash All Your Tires"

In Look at You, Tomlinson does not hold back when explaining how much of a self-described "nightmare" she could be as a romantic partner and comes up with a brilliant metaphor to illustrate the severity.

"You Finish Up A Night, You're Like, 'Time To Go Home.' We Finish Up A Night Like, 'Hope I Make It'"

A recurring highlight of Tomlinson's comedy is the differences between how men and women walk through life... or, to put it literally, walk at night. She makes note of this in Quarter-Life Crisis with a joke referencing how most men could take a stroll home alone after dark without the fear that they might get attacked or kidnapped, while that is a concern that women deal with for most of their lives.

"Like A Good Neighbor, State Farm Backs Out"

One of Taylor Tomlinson's funniest stories from Have It All is her bid to win one of the gloves Hugh Jackman wore during his performance as the lead of a stage production of The Music Man, which was being auctioned off for charity. The sale came down to Tomlinson, another woman, and Kevin Miles, who is the actor who plays Jake from State Farm. However, Miles seemed to notice that the win was more important to Tomlinson and this other woman, leading to his decision to withdraw from the sale.

"All My Friends Are Like, 'You Need A Guy With A Car And A Job.' And I'm Like, 'But Then I've Got To Deal With His Wife. It's A Whole Thing'"

This is Tayor Tomlinson's clever way of mentioning how most straight men who have their lives together are already in committed relationships or are even married, which makes the dating pool especially challenging.

"I Was Very Nervous To Tell Friends Of Mine I Was Bipolar Because I Thought They Would Think Of Me Differently... And Nobody Did, And It Was Actually Pretty Insulting"

One of the most prevalent topics from Look at You is Tomlinson's then-recent discovery that she has bipolar disorder, which was apparently not much of a surprise to her peers. She even mentions how one friend told her, "Your mental illness was like your middle name: I didn't know what it was, but I knew you had one."

"My Boyfriend Is So Absolutely Out Of My League... I Was Looking At Him This Morning Like, 'Oh My God, Am I Pete Davidson?"

You have to love it when well-known comedians poke fun at each other, especially with witty comments like the one that Taylor Tomlinson makes at the expense of a former Saturday Night Live star. She likens her significant other's above-average attractiveness to the dating history of Pete Davidson, whose girlfriends have been known to be surprisingly good-looking.

"I Dated One Guy On Again, Off Again For Four Years... I Was The Girl You Couldn't Bring Home For Holidays Because What Are You Going To Say At That Point? Just Like, 'Mom, Dad, This Is My Lesson That I Can't Seem To Learn'"

It can be healthy to look at every relationship as a lesson, but if you keep going back to the same relationship over and over again, you may have an issue with comprehension. Such seemed to be the case with one of Tomlinson's most significant relationships, as she recalls in this bit from Quarter-Life Crisis.

"If I Do Tell People [I'm Bipolar], Am I Hot And/Or Talented Enough To Be An Inspiration?"

There are plenty of celebrities who are open about their struggles with mental health, and Taylor Tomlinson is one of them, as she discusses her bipolar disorder in Look at You. However, she also admits that she was not immediately willing to go public with her diagnosis until it occurred to her that attractive and talented famous people with mental health issues tend to be viewed as role models by average citizens going through the same things.

"If Someone Has Their Dream Job, They Don't Get To Be In Love On Top. If Someone Has Their Dream Job And Their Soulmate, Bare Minimum, Their Parents Better Be Divorced"

Considering how Taylor Tomlinson is working her dream job, I would hope that she is not insinuating with this joke that she does not deserve love. I think anyone would be lucky to find happiness with someone as funny as she is.

"You Guys Tried To Buy Greeting Cards For Your Family As Adults? Can't Do That Anymore. Too Much Has Happened And Hallmark Can't Cover It"

In Quarter-Life Crisis, Tomlinson lists off common examples of Father's Day cards that say things like, "You have always been there for me," or other sentimental phrases. However, she believes it would be more appropriate to make her own card for her dad that just says, "You are my father. This is a day. Enjoy!"

"If You're Single, Your Married Friends Don't Want You To Be Happy... They Want You On Those Apps Because The Apps Look Fun And They Can't Go On Them"

In Have It All, Tomlinson compares her experience on dating apps like Tinder to an arcade game that she plays while her married friends stand behind her in envy like a kid without any quarters while she "fights for her life out there."

"That's What Everybody Forgets About Your 20s. You Were Garbage. Thinner Garbage, But You Were Garbage"

Taylor Tomlinson was still in her 20s when she made this joke, included in Quarter-Life Crisis, in which she gets brutally honest about the kind of people in her demographic. For most people, it is the era of one's life in which they feel the most self-assured about themselves, but that is not always the case in retrospect.

"I Was Like, 'I Don't Know How I Feel About This Diagnosis.' And She Goes... 'You Don't Have To Say, "I Am Bipolar." You Can Say, "I Have Bipolar,"' Which Feels A Lot Like Someone Going, 'I Said You Were BEING A [Jerk]'"

I must admit that I had to replace one of the words in this joke based on Taylor Tomlinson's conversation with her therapist about her bipolar diagnosis from Look at You. However, it still does a good job illustrating her point about how some tend to tiptoe through discussions about mental health.

"You're Going To Need To Get Consent, Which Is A Noise She Makes, Not A Feeling You Feel"

One of the definitive aspects of Taylor Tomlinson's comedy is her straightforward commentary on common misunderstandings in modern romance. For instance, this analysis of consent that is more direct and well-crafted than anything I could come up with.

"Couples Therapy Sucks When It Doesn't Work Out Because Then You Just Have All This Useless Information About Another Person You're Never Gonna See Again. You're Like, 'Cool, I Guess I'll Just Live The Rest Of My Life Knowing What Triggers Michael'"

Tomlinson once revealed, while talking to a couple in the audience who were starting therapy after years of marriage, that she went through couples therapy when she was just 28. She then goes on to describe what it is like to look back on that time when the sessions did not have a favorable outcome.

"As A Woman You Feel Really Scared By Yourself, So I Always Felt Safer With A Guy, And Then I Looked Back At The Roster And I Realized Nobody I Have Ever Dated Can Fight"

This is less of a joke and more of a personal testimony of Tomlinson's that I think would convince people of any gender to take self-defense classes.

"I Watch Horror Movies Because They're The Only Place Hot Chicks Are Treated Poorly"

In Quarter-Life Crisis, Tomlinson makes note of the jealousy she feels toward the traditionally attractive women who are typically put through the wringer in horror movies. On the flipside, these characters' resilience is exactly why the world loves iconic Final Girls like Halloween's Laurie Strode.

"If You're Gen Z, You Send VoiceNotes To Your Friends. If You're A Millennial, You Send VoiceNotes To Flirt. And If You're A Boomer, You Send VoiceNotes On Accident"

Until her decision to return to stand-up full time led to its cancellation in 2025 (per Deadline), Taylor Tomlinson became the sole female late-night TV host at the time as the emcee of CBS's game show-style series, After Midnight – a gig she was the perfect choice for. In between Internet-inspired improv games, the comedian would entertain the audience and contestants with witty commentary on various topics, such as how different generations use VoiceNotes on their smartphones.

"I Call It The Gobstopper Test..."

In Quarter-Life Crisis, Tomlinson describes how she decides when she is ready to get intimate with a partner, which is similar to the ending of the beloved family movie, 1971's Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. She tells the man that she is not comfortable yet, and if he graciously accepts, she will respond like Gene Wilder's eccentric chocolatier does to tell Charlie Bucket that he won the big prize.

"Men Really Cannot Love Something That Does Not Look Like Them"

One of the funniest examples of Taylor Tomlinson's sharp improvisational skill was her response to an audience member saying she offered her husband the choice between a puppy and a baby and he chose having a baby.

"Love Is Blind. Lust Is Helen Keller"

In Quarter-Life Crisis, Tomlinson name-drops the non-seeing, non-hearing historical figure Helen Keller when referencing how she and a former partner broke up because they were not getting intimate enough to distract each other from the problems in their relationship.

"You Realize Your Parents Messed You Up Based On How Other People React To Stories About Your Childhood"

Taylor Tomlinson is very candid about her relationship with her parents, especially her father, from when she was growing up. It never quite hit her how unconventional his parenting methods were until other people pointed it out.

"If You Grew Up Religious And You're Not Anymore And Your Adult Friends Find Religion, It Feels Like Your Ex-Boyfriend Who's Now Getting It Together For Your Friend And You Just Have To Watch It Happen On Facebook"

Taylor Tomlinson often talks about her religious upbringing in her stand-up and how its effects on her own life led her to walk away from the church. However, based on this bit from Look at You, she seems to get jealous of others who become people of faith later in life.

"Men Don't Even Picture Me Naked. They Picture Me Helping Their Mom On Easter"

In Quarter-Life Crisis, Tomlinson acknowledges that she has a "wholesome face," which she realizes does make her look like wife material.