To outsiders, the world of Downton Abbey must feel like it’s made up of tea, polite society, and soft emotional drama. Meanwhile, those who truly love the show know just how cutthroat it can be with the lives and affairs of its characters.
Which leads to some pretty snarky, snide, and sometimes downright nasty insults thrown at the characters in one of our favorite Peak TV shows. Here are several examples of the best times the cast have put their verbal gloves up on screen.
“Then it’s lucky no one’s ever asked you, isn’t it?”
Even over a decade since Mrs. Sarah O’Brien randomly left the staff at Downton, she’s still one of the most disliked characters on the series. That much can be seen in this cutting insult delivered by downstairs colleague Thomas Barrow (Rob James-Collier), upon the discussion of how Mrs. O’Brien could never live with the shame of being stood up at the altar.
"I would feel sorry for him if I didn't dislike him so much."
A TV mom who parents with an iron fist, Dowager Countess Violet Crawley (Dame Maggie Smith) gives us this classier version of "good riddance to bad rubbish." Commenting on the comeuppance of a threat to the Crawley family's happiness, it's probably one of the best examples of insulting someone with such sweet terms.
“Cheese grater, but I'll leave it at that.”
The middle child of the Crawley family, Lady Edith is a punching bag when it comes to her fortunes and character’s opinions. As her family ponder what household item to compare her persona to, it’s mother Cora (Elizabeth McGovern) that gets the sharpest, and last, word on the matter.
“History and tradition led Europe into a world war. Maybe you should think about letting go of its hand.”
One of Violet Crawley’s most able sparring partners, Cora’s mother Martha Levinson (Shirley MacLaine) is a perfect contrast to her daughter’s mother-in-law. When debating the virtues of tradition versus innovation in Season 3’s premiere, Downton Abbey gave Ms. Levinson a perfect rejoinder that spoke to the issue at hand.
“He had a right to know how his countryman died...”
Lady Edith Crawley (Laura Carmichael) has always had somewhat of an adversarial relationship with her older sister Mary. So when the oldest, and supposed “golden child” embroils the family in a scandal involving a dead diplomat, the middle Crawley daughter uses it to her advantage. Trust us, this insult is so cutting for a period drama that we can’t show you the rest. Maybe that's why Season 1 is surprisingly considered the best.
“So did Caligula...”
Downton Abbey: The Motion Picture only amped up the verbal tennis game between Lady Isobel Merton (Penelope Wilton) and the Dowager Countess. While Violet Crawley took a moment to extoll the "qualities" of Machiavelli, Isobel hit back that even a corrupt Roman emperor could be seen as having "qualities," but as she quickly followed up, "...not all of them charming."
"No, my suitcase arrived safely. Along with my manners."
For as much as fans mourn Dan Stevens’ Cousin Matthew Crawley, criticizing the wardrobe of chauffeur turned family member Thomas Branson (Allan Leech) wasn’t one of his finest moments. Which means that the remark you see above was not only justified, it’s exceedingly polite in such a moment.
“I have found when dealing with foreigners, if one speaks loudly and slowly, they'll bend to your will.”
Not even Downton Abbey’s second motion picture, A New Era, saw a dulling of the wit and wisdom of those who valued the Downton Estate. And those familiar with the franchise can practically hear Jim Carter’s authoritative yet mischievous voice as Mr. Carson reading this line about dealing with his visit to a French villa with family connections.
“You’re always dozy, but tonight you’d make Sleeping Beauty look alert.”
The friendship seen between Mrs. Patmore (Lesley Nicol) and Daisy (Sophia McShera) in Downton’s later years was not always easy. As Patmore’s seniority in the kitchen staff gave her plenty of opportunity to chastise her would-be protege, it meant plenty of opportunities for zingers like this one from the sixth episode of Season 1.
“Don’t worry Ms. Denker. I’ve got a copy of The Lady upstairs.”
You never know where the next insult will come from on Downton Abbey. After an attempted betrayal between members of the Dowager Countess’ staff in the Season 6 premiere, it’s secret advice columnist/butler Mr. Spratt (Jeremy Swift) who gets to politely warn Mrs. Denker that if she keeps it up, he has the publication that she can use look for a new job.
“No I haven’t had children, Robert, as you so kindly remind me. But I do hope I have a sense of decency.”
Every now and then even the head of the Downton household, Robert Crawley (Hugh Bonneville) needs to be put in his place. So when an argument erupts where he refers to the childless status of his sister, Lady Rosamund Painswick (Samantha Bond), she shoots back with a firm reminder that even though the estate may be his responsibility, he still needs to watch his words.
“Honestly m'lady you'd better hope I never write my memoirs.”
To be quite honest, this Downton Abbey comeback is something that could apply to any household staff working for a family so eventful as the Crawleys. But by the time Anna Smith, soon to be Bates (Joanne Froggatt) got to say these words in Season 5, fans knew that this was the absolute truth.
“I never argue. I explain.”
Dowager Countess Violet Crawley pretty much always has something to say when engaged in verbal combat. Downton Abbey: The Motion Picture was another grand platform for those skills, giving Dame Maggie Smith yet another memorable swipe at those who’d try to paint her as a conversational tyrant.
“That depends. I'd have to know more about the princess and the sea monster in question.”
Who would have thought that Matthew Crawley (Dan Stevens) would have become the love of Mary Crawley’s life? Their arrangement as a couple started under rather snarky terms, especially when the marriage was supposed to secure the family fortune above all. Mary’s Season 1 turn to classical literature for insults led to this cheeky reply, an early indicator of the happiness and heartbreak ahead.
“Odious woman.”
The late Lady Sybil Crawley (Jessica Brown Findlay) is someone who's always tried to see the good in people, no matter who they are. However, even she had hard and fast limits, as the political firebrand of the family. And those boundaries were of course tested by the harshness of the wicked Mrs. O’Brien, which inspired this short but cutting remark.
“A shy royal? Is that an oxymoron?”
While Downton Abbey: The Motion Picture’s royal visit was certainly an occasion worth celebrating, even a family of monarchists know how to sass the royals. No need for any severe outrage though, as Robert Crawley’s short and sweet comment was made with his heart in the right place.
"You're a woman with a brain and reasonable ability. Stop whining and find something to do.”
Sometimes, a person can find the best inspiration through the strength of their family. And yes, that includes the typically sassy Dowager Countess Violet Crawley. After Lady Edith was jilted at the altar in Season 3, Violet used her steely reserve for good, rather than entertainment and preservation.
"No one ever tells you about raising daughters. You think it’ll be like Little Women, and instead they’re at each others’ throats."
Cora Grantham may seem like a matronly character that spares people’s feelings more than she slays them, but she’s gotten some profoundly funny zingers into the Downton lexicon herself. Who could blame her for describing motherhood in these terms when Lady Mary and Lady Edith’s many spats have resulted in blackmail, harsh name calling, and other unpleasantries.
“It’s wonderful what fear can do to the human spirit.”
This sort of line feels like it’d be reserved for one of the best live-action Disney villains, meant to chill the audience to its bones. But in the hands of Downton Abbey’s Mrs. Patmore, such words in Season 2 can walk a fine line between threat and communal punchline.
“It’s just the thought of being left behind with you.”
Though their feud softened vastly after the death of their younger sister Sybil, Lady Mary and Lady Edith Crawley still got some good one-liners in against each other through Downton Abbey’s later seasons. Season 5 saw as much brought to light, as Lady Edith’s mockery about Lady Mary hating “to be left behind” created the right opportunity for this pithy comeback.
“It's 1927. We're modern folk.”
Change is a constant in the world of Downton, even as The Motion Picture showed Lady Edith and her husband Berty Hexham (Harry Hadden-Paton) moving into their lives as a happy couple. While Edith’s father, Robert Crawley, makes light of their lack of nanny or servants, Berty politely joins in with an equally cheery comeback.
“Will you have enough clichés to get you through the visit?”
A frequent collaborator and sparring partner with the Dowager Countess Violet Crawley, Lady Isobel Merton (Penelope Wilton) is usually the cheerier one that always has words for the occasion. Which naturally prompted Maggie Smith’s legendary sass factory to ask this question in the first film of Downton Abbey’s post-TV run, and led to Wilton’s equally formidable figure promising that if she ran out, she’d head to her frenemy for more.
“But for poor old Edith, who couldn’t make her dolls do what she wanted…”
Robert and Cora Crawley are bad parents by any stretch of the imagination. However, there are moments, like this piece of snark from Season 6, that could take audiences aback. While middle child Edith had more than her fair share of misfortunes, this childhood anecdote is both amusing, but kind of cruel when you think about it.
“I don’t think that’d be sensible Mr. Bates. We can’t have you wobbly at both ends.”
There are so many words one could use to describe Downton Abbey’s Thomas Barrow, and a lot of them wouldn’t be things you say in a drawing room. His contentious relationship with fellow staff member Mr. Bates (Brendan Coyle) was always a reminder of that fact, as seen in this Season 5 quote which saw Thomas once again mocking Bates’ physical disabilities. Don’t worry, he does eventually grow up.
“Henry's perfect for you. You're just too stupid and stuck up to see it!”
One can’t blame Lady Mary Crawley for being hesitant to fall in love again, lest we remember her husband Matthew’s much talked about Season 3 death. So of course it was through Lady Edith’s venom that the audience, and maybe even Mary herself, realized that when it came to second husband Henry Talbot, Season 6 couldn’t have seen her heart in better hands.
"You're nervous because you're intelligent. Only stupid people are foolhardy."
Almost every workplace has its own father figure that rules the roost with honesty, and a bit of well-measured insult. With Season 4 seeing younger footmen added to Downton Abbey’s roster of servants, Mr. Carson had an opportunity to impart these wise words to the uncertain Alfred, whale also putting down his cocky counterpart Jimmy.
“Stop that noise. I can't hear myself die.”
Leave it to Violet Crawley to have a death that’s both tearjerking and a little bit snarky. As Downton Abbey: A New Era's ending showed her family saying their goodbyes on her death bed, Maggie Smith’s icon of grace and snark got in some final words that best summed up what she meant to those who loved her.
"Daisy, what’s happened to you? I said you could go for a drink of water, not a trip up the Nile."
Mrs. Patmore eventually does grow to trust Daisy in the kitchen of the Downton Estate. But those early days were quite the playground for their semi-antagonistic work relationship. On the plus side, the Patmore/Daisy double act did give us some pretty good analogies for when people are not holding up their end of the process.
“My goodness that was strong talk for an Englishman.”
Season 4’s fourth episode showed that even the great Robert Crawley isn’t above a proper self-own. Giving an impassioned speech to Mr. Bates about the intricacies of marriage, the Earl of Grantham is shocked even by himself, as seen in this kind of adorable moment.
"Oh no. You're far too busy, and I wouldn't want to push in."
It cannot be said enough that Lady Mary’s betrothal to fourth cousin Matthew Crawley started off on a rocky course. Though they eventually became a love story for us all to root for, Matthew was overheard by his future wife when he complained about being set up. Showing her own distaste, Lady Mary Crawley turned his own words against him after seeing him positively smitten upon first sight.
“If you really like an argument… we should see more of each other.”
Perhaps the key to Matthew and Mary Crawley's love affair is the fact that they both seemed to love the chase. Downton Abbey never gave them an easy road to travel, but it was never boring - especially with lines like these.
“I’m so looking forward to seeing your mother again. When I’m with her, I’m reminded of the virtues of the English.”
Don’t let Violet Crawley’s remark about the impending visit of Cora Crawley’s mother, Martha Levinson. Once she was reminded of the fact that her Season 3 premiere sparring partner was from America, she took the bait and delivered the punchline of, “Exactly.” Score another in the long, fruitful archives of the Dowager Countess’ cutting wit.
“Excuse me Mr. Moseley, I’ve got work to do. Even if you haven’t.”
If Thomas Barrow can be counted on for anything, it’s to never pass up an opportunity to better himself and confuse his enemies. This Season 3 moment saw that, as he used lovably clumsy co-worker Mr. Molesley to spread a rumor about Mrs. O’Brien’s potential departure. Satisfied with his work, Thomas issued this short statement and walked off… only to leave his female foe to clear up the confusion.
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