Spoilers below for the latest episode of Yellowstone, “I Want to Be Him,” so be warned if you haven’t yet watched!
So for everybody who went into Yellowstone Season 4 thinking that Lloyd was NOT capable of turning into a blade-flinging maniac, let’s go ahead and pour one out for the razzle-dazzle death of that assumption. Power to Forrie J. Smith and Ryan Bingham for giving it their all while and rewarding viewers with a pipe dream of what Jake Paul’s next match should look like. Hot diggity dammit, though, we’re not here to talk about the physical throwdowns. As always, we’re here to talk about the verbal fireworks soaring beneath the Montana sky.
As we wait for the day when Yellowstone releases a massive soundboard full of its most iconic quotes, let’s count down the 15 best lines from “I Want to Be Him.” And spoilers: the titular line did not make the cut, because while I’ll respect Carter’s aim to reach John’s level, that’s a mountain he’s not equipped to climb.
1. ”Because then you’re gonna spend the whole day thinking about me.”
I’m willing to believe that Beth has an ulterior motive for 99 out of 100 things she does in a day, but the fact that she can justify her intentional secrecy in a way that makes Rip feel all warm inside is a testament to the character’s inherent allure. Can you imagine Rip trying to play that same card if the situation were reversed? Of course not, though he has his own cards to play.
2. “I’m the bitch about to stab you in the stomach.”
Nobody can properly blame Piper Perabo’s Summer for being instinctively intimidated and protective upon meeting Beth for the first time, just in the sense of coming face to face with such bottled-up fury after just waking up in a mostly unfamiliar setting. But just in case there was a tiny part of Summer that shed her protester persona to momentarily think, “Hey, I bet I could be friends with this woman, because girl power,” Beth shut that party down right quick with a statement that could only be viewed as a deadly threat.
3. “I’m too old for this shit. I’m too old for her. I’m too old for that look you’re giving me. I’m just too old for all of it.”
2Usually it’s daughters who have to deal with judgmental and overbearing fathers when it comes to impromptu romantic encounters, but John’s hook-up with Summer put him directly within Beth’s crosshairs. (At least, in the moments when Summer herself wasn’t in the room as the prime target.) And after having his lip bitten to the point of discomfort, John gets all Lethal Weapon and in declaring repeatedly that he’s too old for all of this bullshit. To be fair, though, I bet he’d probably rather deal with Beth and Summer’s drama than everything happening with Lloyd. Maybe.
4. “You should get tested for chlamydia, you fuckin’ hippie.”
Summer did not win any friendships at the breakfast table, either, with Gator’s knowledge (or lack thereof) of vegan food preparation being put in the spotlight. But even if Beth was a fellow animal-hugging activist whose diet consisted of foraged nuts and bran, she clearly wouldn’t ever actually see herself on Summer’s level, and would prefer to default to namecalling and sex-shaming. As perfecto as Kelly Reilly’s animosity was when dishing out this impulsive roast, the bigger reason it made the list is because it’s essentially Beth loudly assuming that John must have chlamydia as well, right in front of his face. How many father-daughter relationships allow for such things?
5. “I gave you the strength to walk from the shadow of that fucking land baron you called Father for the entire lie of your life.”
Tell us how you really feel, Garrett. Seriously, though, while this murderous shitbag definitely deserves whatever agonizing hell is coming his way in the future for his part in planning the attacks on the other Duttons, it’s not like he’s completely without merit. At least from an outsider’s perspective. I don’t think he deserves the right at this point to have any say over what is good or bad for Jamie’s well-being, but goddamn Will Patton delivers a very convincing argument during this scene. And this wasn’t his only standout line, either.
6. “In my heart, he is my brother.”
One of the shortest marquee lines of dialogue to grace Yellowstone's fourth season, Jamie's declaration of familial loyalty plays to the scar-tissued emotional core of the western drama. The land that the Duttons claim is theirs wasn't originally, but they still see it as such. Similarly, Kayce is not Jamie's blood relative, but the brothers' shared bond is still a real and tangible connection, and it's at the crux of the character's moral dilemma going forward with Garrett.
7. “Did I try to kill them? You’re goddamned right I did. And I’ll keep trying until I get it right. That’s how much I love you.”
DING DING DING! Those are the warning bells that started chiming fast and furiously after Garrett delivered this disturbingly straightforward confession. He had me going with his talks about Jamie's difficult upbringing and wanting to be there for him in a fatherly sense. But the dude went all Fatal Attraction cuckoo-bananas with this line. Because it probably means that Garrett already has another plan in motion to kill at least John and Beth, if not Kayce as well. Let's just hope Jamie recognizes his biological father's obsessive bloodlust before it's too late.
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8. “Oh yeah? Tall, thin, long black hair, brown eyes. Yep, not your type.”
While Kayce definitely had a big old dopey grin hanging off of his face when Tanaya Beatty's Avery showed up after a two-season absence, I don't necessarily think he was horndogging it in the moment. As such, Monica's instant jealousy felt a little projected and forced. However, who did Kayce think he was fooling in saying Avery wasn't his type? No. Bo. Dy. So good on Monica for calling him out on that silliness.
9. “Cause that’s what they do.”
Sure, John was talking about unfenced cattle instinctively grouping together in the middle of a highway without clear reason, you know that was really just a metaphorical explanation for why every Yellowstone character does the inherently fucked up things that they do. Why does Teeter do? Cause she just fuckin' does, man.
10. “Ten straight days of people being that nice to me, I’m craving a rodeo in Fort Worth, Texas. Tell you something: Fort Worth, you just think the word ‘fight,’ and a fight’ll find you.”
As a current resident of Fort Worth who isn't native to the area, I'm pleased to say I haven't dealt with any physical altercations while living here (yet), but then I can guarantee that I'm not hanging out at the kinds of places where Lloyd and others in the bunkhouse would. I don't have a branded letter on my chest that gives me excess machismo, either. Still, I like the sentiment.
11. “I ain’t fightin’! I’m smashing a fucking gui-tar!”
One good quote about fighting deserves another, and Lloyd did not disappoint. His mentor-esque sesh with Carter was torpedoed by the young dummy calling attention to Lloyd being ostracized by the others, and the elder cowboy followed that up by destructively interrupting Walker's improvised ditty about Teeter and Colby. As much as I was feeling Lloyd and his unbridled honesty in that stressed moment, I can never fully side with someone who destroys a musical instrument out of malice.
12. “Fuck the fuckin’ vet. Call the doctor!”
Walker went from happily singing and nuzzling with Laramie to being a stab victim. Just your average night on the Yellowstone ranch, for sure, but nobody wants to be “the guy” in these situations. Especially when those situations would immediately require medical help and police intervention in any other location but one where known felons run amok. In any case, I’d love to have been hanging around in Walker’s head right at that moment where any confidence he may have had in hospital care quickly evaporated once the vet came up.
13. “I want a place with no memories, you know? A place where nothing happened until we happened.”
Having produced her thorns in various places across this episode, Beth was at her most authentically tender when talking to Rip about deciding on a wedding location that doesn’t require them to wade through oceans of emotional baggage to walk down the aisle. It’s another nice capsulized bit of wisdom, in that they’re on a monstrous-sized ranch in the middle of one of the country’s most expansive states, and Beth still feels like she’s surrounded.
14. “The only painless way to learn this lesson is to watch it.”
By this point in my life, I'm aware that in order for me to learn the best way to do something, I also need to learn the worst way, as well as what happens when things go wrong. I might just start calling this The Rip Wheeler Method from now on, since he was following that basic blueprint with Carter. If you don't want to grow up and become Walker, pay attention to how Walker does things, and then do the exact opposite. And also don't fuck anybody that Lloyd used to bone. I don't think Carter could have gleaned that just from watching them fight, but it's in the back of the handbook.
15. ”I don’t think we need prisons in this country. Criminals should just be sentenced to moving.”
I'm pretty sure this line accidentally came from a parallel universe where Yellowstone is a sitcom filmed in front of a live audience. Really, though, while Monica's sentiment was jokey, it's also extremely relatable. I moved twice in the past two years, and there was definitely a point or two where I would have committed crimes just to be put away where I didn't have to worry about unpacking another box again. And I know damned well Kayce and Monica don't have nearly as many boxes of comic books and collectible figurines and cereal-themed glassware and outdated modems and stuff.
Mark your dialogue bingo cards for another new episode of Yellowstone every Sunday night on Paramount Network at 8:00 p.m. ET.
